This just in: Right when the Spartans should be focusing on Butler and their Final Four game, scandal has rocked the Michigan State Campus. An anonymous source in the Michigan State Athletics Program has confirmed to JBS.com that Sparty the Spartan is in fact a major user and distributor of steroids. When confronted by JBS.com, Sparty broke down into tears and finally admitted what we have all long suspected. He loves to juice. The multiple sports star (I swear I see him at every fucking sporting event) has admitted to past steroids use as well as distributing the muscle enhancing drug to such sport stars as Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Mark McGwire, and Grimace from McDonald's.
"I never used steroids except to help me heal after injuries, "said Sparty. "And to hit home runs, run faster, and do more pushups. I mean look at these fucking guns... Do you think these happen without steroids? Nope."
Suspicions were first raised by the Kool-Aid guy when Sparty broke down his door in search of his next fix. Sparty was heard screaming by witnesses, "Give me the juice! I want that fucking juice!" After that it was all down hill. Sparty's passport shows repeated trips over the Canadian border, where he would purchase 'roids from Dr. Alex Trebek at Windsor's famous Cheetah's Strip Club. He would then use his celebrity to sneak the drugs back into the US, where he would distribute it to everyone from Detroit's Former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to Detroit Tiger's Former First Baseman and Home Run Machine Cecil Fielder.
"It's just so disappointing when someone the kids all look up to is caught doing something like this," said Michigan State's Basketball Head Coach Tom Izzo. "But maybe this explains all the other drug use on Michigan State's campus. If he was responsible for the steroids, maybe he was also in charge of the weed and coke found on campus too. I mean, "Go Green? Go White?" He led that cheer every time I was around him. It doesn't get much more clear than that."
Sparty is being held at Lansing's Downtown jail and is awaiting arraignment. He'll probably get out, go to rehab, start playing again, win a national title, and get all of his endorsements back because that's just what celebrity's do. But the question is, will Michigan State's heart ever heal after being so thoroughly broken? If it's anything like the other physical ailments found on MSU's campus, like syphilis and herpes, probably not for a long, long time...
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