Drink, Don't Drive. Do the Watermelon Crawl.

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I think this guy is taking Tracy Bird a little too literal.

John Wall Throws Out First Pitch

Why would you ever agree to do this when you've got an arm like Smalls from the Sandlot? Good thing I'm around to give some advice.

JBS: Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun you would've made that throw. You ever have a paper route?

John Wall: I helped a guy once.

JBS: Okay, well chuck it like you throw paper. When your arm gets here, just let go. Just let go, it's that easy.

John Wall: How do I catch it?

JBS: Just stand there and stick your glove out in the air. I'll take care of it.

There we go. Problem solved.

Just Another One of Those Classic "My Legs Don't Work but My Vagina Ain't Handicapped" Kind of Songs

Didn't laugh once during this whole thing. It's not that I'm some super special, morally superior being, far from it actually. It's just that I'm not even sure if it's funny. Like, the premise is kinda ironic. She's handicapped but her vagina ain't. I get that, but the rest just kinda made me uncomfortable. I really hope she gets fame and fortune or Mini-Me's dick or whatever it is that she wants outta this.

PS - I've seen a lot of spinals people, and this chick's a fake, a fucking gold breaker! Yah, she walks. I've never been more certain of anything in my life.

Kid Buckles Under the Pressure Worse than "Boom Goes the Dynamite"

Yell Joeyblueskies.com or something dude.

DeShawn Stevenson Has A Question for Lebron

Good line. I'm using this the next time Andy Dirks hits a jack. Which may be never.

Orangutan Saves Baby Bird

This orangutan is nicer than half the people I know. Nobody helps each other out anymore. This has to just be a product of boredom from being trapped in that cage for the last 30 years of his life. Gotta do something to pass the time between jerk off sessions.

This Kid Is Gonna Get Beat Up For The Next 15 Years Of His Life Because Of This And I Can't Really Say I'm Against It

I'm not up in arms because this kid's parents made him sing Katy Perry. Don't blame them one bit, in fact, 90% of the reason you have kids is so you can put them on Youtube and exploit the shit out of them to the tune of major bank. No, what I'm outraged by is the fact that they made him a custom blazer to match the GLEE kids singing the song in the background. That's complete madness. Someone call child services immediately. Kids got no shot in life now, absolutely none. He would've been better off if they dressed him up like Katy Perry.

And You Thought Cat Fan Was Awesome

I love old school playground equipment. Back when it was made with zero regard for safety. Remember the rusted out merry-go-round at Watertower Park? That thing was a concussion machine.

And Today's Starting Lineup

At least half my coaches growing up sounded just like this.

Easy Earnhardt

Somebody needs to stop laughing and check to see if that guy is still alive. The crash that killed Dale looked innocent too.

PS - one of those videos that gets better each time you watch it.

I got Serendaded Like a Mother Fucker on the Train this Morning

Couldn't actually film him cause he was two feet away and staring directly at me the entire time but the audio is basically all you need anyway. Gotta love New York tho, just people making a buck the old fashioned way singing Boyz 2 Men on the subway at 7 am.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One, "So a Deer Walks Into a Bank"

I've never wanted a concealed weapons permit more than I do right now. Imagine, it's just another typical day in the life of JoeyBlueSkies. Per usual I'm at the bank trying to get them to refund some overdraft charges when in walks Bambi. I'd unload a clip into that little guy faster than you could say venison hot sticks.



PS - think that kid is jerkin it under the table to all those HBI's? I sure would be.

PSS - HBI = Hot Beef Injection, aka venison hot stick

Fan Gets on the Ice and Starts Throwing

I've gotta ask the obvious question. How did this kid not get absolutely destroyed? I mean have you ever tried standing on an ice rink in shoes? It's f'n impossible. The only way you even have a chance is if you do the coach's shuffle they use to get to and from the bench between periods and even then you'd be lucky to not bust your ass. Add throwing haymakers to the equation and you've got no chance. But somehow this kid tip-toes around the linesman, who sucks at his job btw, and starts landing blows. Totally defied the odds. Oh, and there's a chick out there too? Jeez, flippin bizarro world.

Drunk Hotdog Eating and the 5 Second Rule

Listen, I'm a huge advocate of the 5 second rule. It's pretty much as reliable as gravity. Snatch it up, give it a good blow and a once over with your eyes, and boom, you're good to go. But the one place I might not test this principle would be on the subway. It's a guaranteed fact that every single nook and cranny of the subway was at some time covered in either urine or vomit. Most times both. In conclusion, if you drop food on the subway, don't ever pick it up and eat it. Find a bum and give it to him.

PS - It's a good thing that this chick is eating this dog condiment free cause if it has any condiments on it the 5 second rule is completely outta play.

PSS - Best part about the video is when the conductor tells everyone to stand clear of the doors and she gets pissed cause the train hasn't moved yet.

Hurdler Faceplants 10 Yards from the Finish

Never understood why anyone would wanna run the hurdles. It's like walking the tight rope. Fuck up once and you're toast.

PS - This was the state championship race. Real nice work Flo-Jo.

The Lovebrella, Best Or Worst Invention Ever?

So I was over at my buddy Chris' the other day and he was going on about how dudes always seems to get shafted when it comes to sharing an umbrella with a lady friend. I mean you can either each have your own in which case you'd need Inspector Gadget arms to get any booty cuppin done or you can get soaked trying to cram in under hers. It's a lose, lose. Enter the Lovebrella. The newest and what I think is the greatest innovation in raingear yet. It's supposed to give adequate protection from the elements while still allowing the lovely couple to get comfy. Just look at these two. No doubt they're boning later tonight.

Mexican Prison Has Bar Behind Bars

A prison workshop in northern Mexico where inmates were supposed to be learning trades was found to contain a bar behind bars — complete with beer, vodka, tequila, and billiard tables. Federal police and local authorities discovered the bar Monday at a minimum-security prison in the northern state of Chihuahua, the state attorney general's office said in a statement. Seized from the site were 20 bottles of vodka, 12 bottles of tequila, and 200 beer cans. Police also found three guns, 20 cell phones, 180 individual doses of marijuana and 90 doses of heroin.

Anyone wanna throw on some sombreros and rob a bank in Cancun? Shit, 200 cans of beer? This prison sounds better than my real life.

Scientists Worry About Cell Phone Radiation and Your Brain. I Say What About My Nuts?

Each time a cell phone user makes a call, low levels of radio-frequency (RF) energy are emitted as the phone’s antenna generates radio waves that transmit people’s voices from one phone to another. The amount of radiation depends on how long a person stays on the phone, how he holds the phone to his head, and whether he uses it in the city or the country.

By 1996 various committees of scientists and engineers had reviewed numerous epidemiological studies and research on lab animals exposed to RF radiation. Two of these committees independently formulated exposure recommendations for cell phones. Their findings were used by the Federal Communications Commission to develop a standard for exposure, set in 1996 and still in place today. The standard - 1.6 watts per kilogram of tissue - is called a specific absorption rate.

There are basically only two things I want scientists to spend money on. The first is growing organs in jars so that when my liver gives out I've got another one on deck in the glove box. The second is finding out what cell phones do to our bodies. But these idiots are going about it all wrong. I don't give a flying fuck what it's doing to my brain while I talk on it, I wanna know what it's doing to my nut sack while it's in my pocket the other 99% of the time. Like, I need to know asap whether or not it's doing any serious damage cause I've had a game of Angry Birds on pause all day and I don't wanna fry my little swimmers.

14 ft Hammer Head Devours Fisherman's Catch

At first I just wanted for this dude to shut the hell up. Yeah sure, it's not everyday you see a massive shark capable of eating a man, but Jesus act like you've been in a boat before. But then he throws out the "lets get the fuck up and get the fuck outta here!" line and completely won me over. I'm still rolling on the floor.

PS - I feel like everyone is ignoring the fact that this had to be two diffrent sharks right? The one hits the boat at the 1:58 mark heading straight out the back and then 5 seconds later its swimming alongside the boat heading towards the front. Looks like we got a fuckin feeding frenzy if you ask me.

Was Gonna Have a Philly Cheese Steak for Lunch Today. I Think it was a Good Idea to Pass

Between the misprint on the sign and the fuzzy oranges right below it, I decided to go hungry. Probably not a bad decision.