Drink, Don't Drive. Do the Watermelon Crawl.

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I think this guy is taking Tracy Bird a little too literal.

Vancouver Loses Cup and Goes from City of Glass to City of Glass Jaws

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. You gotta keep your head on a swivel in these situations. I mean if you saw what Aaron Rome did to Horton when he put his head down then you had to expect this. Except him being on his cell phone. Didn't see that coming at all.

Fan Gets on the Ice and Starts Throwing

I've gotta ask the obvious question. How did this kid not get absolutely destroyed? I mean have you ever tried standing on an ice rink in shoes? It's f'n impossible. The only way you even have a chance is if you do the coach's shuffle they use to get to and from the bench between periods and even then you'd be lucky to not bust your ass. Add throwing haymakers to the equation and you've got no chance. But somehow this kid tip-toes around the linesman, who sucks at his job btw, and starts landing blows. Totally defied the odds. Oh, and there's a chick out there too? Jeez, flippin bizarro world.

Drunk Hotdog Eating and the 5 Second Rule

Listen, I'm a huge advocate of the 5 second rule. It's pretty much as reliable as gravity. Snatch it up, give it a good blow and a once over with your eyes, and boom, you're good to go. But the one place I might not test this principle would be on the subway. It's a guaranteed fact that every single nook and cranny of the subway was at some time covered in either urine or vomit. Most times both. In conclusion, if you drop food on the subway, don't ever pick it up and eat it. Find a bum and give it to him.

PS - It's a good thing that this chick is eating this dog condiment free cause if it has any condiments on it the 5 second rule is completely outta play.

PSS - Best part about the video is when the conductor tells everyone to stand clear of the doors and she gets pissed cause the train hasn't moved yet.

Mexican Prison Has Bar Behind Bars

A prison workshop in northern Mexico where inmates were supposed to be learning trades was found to contain a bar behind bars — complete with beer, vodka, tequila, and billiard tables. Federal police and local authorities discovered the bar Monday at a minimum-security prison in the northern state of Chihuahua, the state attorney general's office said in a statement. Seized from the site were 20 bottles of vodka, 12 bottles of tequila, and 200 beer cans. Police also found three guns, 20 cell phones, 180 individual doses of marijuana and 90 doses of heroin.

Anyone wanna throw on some sombreros and rob a bank in Cancun? Shit, 200 cans of beer? This prison sounds better than my real life.

Is This Red Sox Fight Being Held In A Molasses Jar?

Looks like someone hit the slow-mo button on this fight. The punches, the kick, the 20 people standing around with cement shoes on, everything. It's just bizarre. Where's the sense of urgency? At even the slightest whiff of a hey rube I instinctively throw up the fists of fiery and go into my bare knuckled boxer stance. Gotta get that head on a swivel folks.


PS - This is a pretty accurate representation of what I look like these days.

Hottest Chick Ever?

The Lady Friend better watch her ass. I'm in love.

Rate new Bud Heavy Pop Top

Probably the best marketing decision since Spuds MacKenzie.

PS - Thought I was taking a picture. Nope

Another Drunk Baby at Restaurant

A 2-year-old boy was accidentally served sangria instead of orange juice at a central Florida Olive Garden and was taken to the hospital. Orlando-based Darden Restaurants says the incident happened on March 31 in Lakeland. It prompted the company to caution employees to be more careful with alcoholic drinks. Jill VanHeest says she took her son Nikolai to the hospital after the incident. He was given fluids and released a couple hours later. He has suffered no lasting effects. VanHeest has an attorney but isn't sure whether she'll sue. VanHeest's attorney contacted the news media in Florida this week after reports surfaced that a Michigan Applebee's accidentally served a margarita to another toddler.

Next time I go out to eat I'm 100% dressing up as a baby. Gonna go the whole nine yards too. Bib, pacifier, high chair, might even take a crap in my diaper to authenticate it. If it means free drinks I'm pretty much down for anything.

Colt 45 Getting in the Caffeinated Booze Game

The new owners of that malt-liquor brand, with the help of rapper Snoop Dogg, plan to unveil next month a label called Blast by Colt 45. The beverage will contain fruit flavors and 12% alcohol by volume, about twice the level of the original version of Colt 45. A seven-ounce bottle of Blast has the alcohol of about 1 ½ light beers.

The Metropoulos brothers said they signed a long-term marketing agreement with Snoop Dogg (whose real name is Calvin Broadus), under which the rapper will promote the brand during live music, television and other appearances. Snoop already is touting Blast on Twitter. The company declined to discuss the terms of the deal with the artist but said it will spend millions of dollars on the launch of Blast, including ads in Vibe, a music magazine. Colt 45 has long targeted an urban, African-American audience, but Blast is aimed at a broader array of drinkers, including women, said Daren Metropoulos, 27 years old.

Blast—which will make its debut in stores April 5, or "4-5," for Colt 45—will be sold in six packs of seven-ounce bottles, as well as in single, 23.5-ounce cans. Flavors include strawberry lemonade and raspberry watermelon, with colors to match. The six-pack of seven-ounce drinks will cost about $7.

Blast will compete with Phusion Projects LLC's Four Loko, United Brands Co.'s Joose and Anheuser-Busch InBev NV's Tilt. Those brands, which also contain up to 12% alcohol, came under fire from regulators in recent years because they contained caffeine, fueling safety concerns that the stimulants could mask a drinker's awareness of the alcohol consumption. The companies have since removed the caffeine under pressure from U.S. and state regulators, but alcohol foes continue to raise objections to the amount of alcohol in the beverages.

The level of alcohol in the 23.5-ounce single can of Blast is about the same as the amount in four regular 12-ounce beers. Such potent malt beverages have been on the market for only a few years. Colt 45 contains 5.61% alcohol. Industry watchdogs say the fruit flavorings and colorful packaging make the products attractive to underage drinkers.

So I'm confused. Does Blast have caffeine or not? Cause if it doesn't this is a non-story but if it does then I'm in. I mean they're doing everything right thus far. Fuckin Snoop Dogg, a six-pack of 7 ounce bottles, and a marketing campaign targeting women and white dudes? Sold and sold everybody. But seriously, if they ain't even gonna fight the fight and try to get caffeine in this shit then there's absolutely no reason for me to buy this over the new Four Loko or Tilt. Already fell for that shit once. Fool me once...shame on.....shame on you. You fool me, you can't get fooled again.

"I got that on tape!"

This is the most staunch argument against the keg-stand I've ever seen. Like how the fuck did this kid's head not get ripped clear off? This was the Buster Douglass knockout on Tyson and Todd Bertuzzi sucker punch on Steve Moore wrapped up into one.

But seriously what the fuck actually happened here? I've seen 100 pound sorority chicks and people's moms do keg stands while I was in college and none of them ever blacked out on their feet. Must've been a keg of Four Loko.



Video courtesy of barstoolsports.com

Happy St. Patrick's Day. #Drinking. Duh

Enough with the bloggin folks. It's a national holiday and I'm headed to the bar. Threw on my Granderson jersey cause when I end up on the toilet with my head in a trashcan I don't wanna be reminded by my green Uggs what the date was.

This is how hard the Gators are gonna go down against MSU

Fast forward to the 1:00 mark and watch this trashdump of a co-ed get split in half by a stall door like she was a NYC bus.


What? No good?

Classic Matchup: Farters v Bullies

NEW BRITAIN, Connecticut — A man accused of stabbing a friend to death and injuring three other people at a party because people were making fun of his flatulence has pleaded not guilty.

The Hartford Courant reports that Marc Higgins pleaded not guilty to murder and assault charges in New Britain on Monday. Police say the 21-year-old Higgins was "very drunk" at a Bristol house party last month and was ridiculed because of flatulence. Police say one woman even slapped him because of it.

Police say at that point he stormed out of the party and returned about 45 minutes later with three knives and started stabbing people indiscriminately. Matthew Walton died of his wounds. Three others were injured. Higgins told police he was angry and wanted to show that people shouldn't make fun of him.

Listen, nobody knows more about untimely farts than myself. With my diet and my inability to control that part of my body, I am like one of those Febreze plug ins, only my fragrence is sewage & shit rather than papaya & mango. But party farting is one of my favorite past times, if done with caution. There are a few rules to follow of course...

1) Fart to the beat of the music

2) Keep moving

3) Limit prefart movements, e$ always calls me out 5 seconds before I release because I have tells

4) Don't drink to excess. You might shart yourself and then the joke's on you

5) Deny to the day you die

With the limited details I have so far, I don't know where Mr Higgins dropped the ball. All I know is once you admit guilt, you're dead. Or they're dead.....

Farters - 1

Bullies - 0

BMOC

Who Wants to get 3rd Grade Drunk?

USAtoday.com - Every parent has swigged the last of their kids' milk, juice or soda. But very few add liquor, mix it up and tell their friends about it. That's what Newport Beach, Calif., mom Tracy Reinhardt, 38, did one night after mixing her kids some chocolate milk and putting them to bed. Reinhardt added a little vodka and promptly updated her Facebook status: "Tracy is enjoying some adult chocolate milk." Friends noticed and left a stream of positive comments and questions. Nikki Halbur, 36, of Gilbert, Ariz., was particularly intrigued. In 2009, the two launched Adult Beverage Co., makers of 40-proof vodka-based Adult Chocolate Milk and soon-to-be-bottlers of Adult Orange Cream, Adult Fruit Punch and Adult Limeade, scheduled to launch May 1. Breaking into the Arizona market was easy, and Halbur said BevMo signed on right away, retailing 750-milliliter and 1-liter bottles for $17.99 to $22.99 each. The women financed the company themselves, with the help of a friend. Temperance Distilling in Temperance, Mich., makes, bottles and packages the drink.

This adult chocolate milk is gonna take the 3rd grade binge drinking market by storm. An epidemic of mammoth proportions is definitely on the way. Christ, it's blackout in a carton. I'm probably gonna have to turn up the radar in the cafeteria and make sure I don't have 9 year olds getting crunk at lunch cause if this shit was around back in the 80's you better believe I would've been 3 sheets to the wind before social studies. You just better get your fix quick cause there's no way this stuff stays on the market with the campaign to attack delicious kiddie drinks like Sparks and Four Loko.

Four Loko Running the Ole Bait and Switch

These Four Loko people are a bunch of assholes. They take my Loko off the shelves of Brooklyn bodegas only to replace it with some bootleg version a week later minus the cocaine, i mean caffeine. And the real rub is that it's in exactly the same can. I was so damn excited to see it that I grabbed a bunch and threw them in the cart so fast I didn't even think about the caffeine thing. Sure as shit, I'm done checking out and finally think to ask the guy at the checkout if they have caffeine in them. He tells me no dice. Now I'm stuck with enough Four Loko to run a diesel engine for a month.

But good thing I'm a Lions fan and my shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding. In true Rod Marinelli fashion I threw a couple 5 Hour Energys into the bag and vowed to brew up my own homemade blackout in a can. Tit for tat bitch.

Does This Look Like A Dude Who Would Hold Up A Closed McDonalds Cause His Pregnant Wife Wanted A Big Mac?

Huffpost - An intoxicated man brandishing a shotgun demanded food at the drive-thru window of a closed McDonald's, blaming his hungry and pregnant wife, the Southeast Missourian reports: "They had told him the store was closed," [Scott County Sheriff Rick] Walter said. "He demanded one of the employees to open the window." The employee reportedly responded by advising only the manager could open the window. "He told the employee he wanted food and pointed the shotgun at that time," Walter said. "He said, 'If I don't bring some food home for my wife, she's going to kill me.' At that point, the employees didn't want to stick around to listen to any more demands." The sheriff noted that the shotgun had a live round in its chamber. The suspect, Chris Brooks Heuring, was charged with unlawful use of a weapon and driving while intoxicated.

Sure brah, I bet it was your "pregnant wife" who wanted the McDonald's and not your fat, drunk ass. But it's all good cause I got my own demons. You're talking to a guy who once drunk dialed his buddy's mom at 5 am cause she worked at T-bell and I wanted a cheesy gordita crunch.

Is James Harrison Moonlighting As A Security Guard To Pay Off His Fines?

DAAAAAA'AMN GINA! Nice hit.

Seeing a boozed up dude get laid out after he runs on the field is about as American as apple pie. Once that guy jumps the barrier it's gotta be like Christmas morning for the security team. Every rent-a-cop on site basically has a license to come as close as humanly possible to murdering this dude in what is usually a very large public venue. But Smokey this is not 'Nam, this is football. There are rules. And there's no way I'm the only one that thinks the NCAA has to step in here and suspend this security dude, right? I mean that hit was the straight definition of helmet to helmet contact. Well, excluding the fact that neither of them were wearing helmets but that's beside the point. He'd be out 2 games and 75 G's if he was wearing a jersey and made that hit on Sunday. Instead, he's wearing a yellow coat on a Saturday and now he's some conquering hero. Go fuckin figure.

PS - Best part about this video is the two Nevada players on the bench who go apeshit and start running all over the place when fuckstick gets his world rocked.

Debbie Does Dallas Dude in the Front Row

This is more scoring than the Cowboys have done all year.

Naked Russian Plays Hopscotch on Top of Some Cars

For the first 30 seconds or so of this video I kept asking myself why doesn't somebody just kick his ass? Then I thought about what it would be like to try and fight some naked drunk dude. Not ideal. Then all of a sudden everyone within a mile comes outta the wood work to start throwing blows at this dude. Sometimes you gotta just bite the bullet so your car roof doesn't have a huge ass indent in it.