God Damn Genius Octopus Walking Around Like His Shit Don't Stink

Being a Wings fan, I understand the impact of the octopus in sports, but this eight legged shithead can take a nose dive into a deep fryer for all I care. I mean stop rubbing all your can't miss picks in my face broski. Nobody is this good at picking games right? Maybe if I had eight legs I could be nailing shit down like this too, but until then I think I'm still fucked. After a somewhat successful college football season, JBS has fallen on some hard times. Shit, I think the only games I've won since then have been when my pitbull Lucy went on a run of 10 straight or so during the college basketball season, but even her luck has run out. Now it's time to make a play and get this Jimmy The Greek octopus on the JBS payroll.

The Netherlands Botch Free BJ's For Everybody

Huffpost - Bobbi Eden, the porn star who appeared to offer widespread oral sex in the event of a Dutch World Cup victory, is disappointed after her team lost to Spain in the final on Sunday. The blonde sex actress previously promised on Twitter that she would "give a BJ to all my followers," and the pornographic pledge nearly came to fruition: the Netherlands advanced to the World Cup final and came within minutes of a shootout with Spain, but ultimately forfeited a dramatic goal with just minutes remaining in extra time. Eden was noticeably upset on Twitter when the Netherlands lost, writing, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" Still, despite the fact that her oral oath went up in flames, Eden promises to "team up" with fellow porn star Vicky Vette to "do something for our followers! Only for followers!"

The second I heard porn star Bobbi Eden was gonna go down on her Twitter followers if the Netherlands pulled off this World Cup miracle, I signed up so fast it made my dick spin. But just when I'm within minutes of getting a world class knob polishing from a pro, the Dutch have to go and blow the biggest opportunity of my life. Totallyfuckinbelievable. This is exactly why I hate soccer. You sit around watching nothing happen for two hours until some pussy takes a dive and a bogus yellow card in the 116th minute puts your free blowjob in jeopardy. Fuck you Spain. All the free paella in the world wont heal these wounds. But don't worry, JBS is determined to have something positive come out of this experience. In fact, I've already reached out to Redwings National Anthem singer Karen Newman and asked her to lay down a similar oral oath for Wings fans next year. You better believe the Joe would be packed if Karen's mouth doubled as the main entrance turnstile.

USA Limps Home From World Cup With A Bad Case Of Ghanaria

I don't know jack about soccer but in a sport where you rarely score more than one goal, I think it's a pretty bad idea to spot the other team one in the first 5 minutes. Just a thought. It also seems to me that their coach Bradley should probably be canned too. This is essentially the same team that beat Spain and then almost took down Brazil in the Confederations Cup about a year ago and now they can't keep any team off the scoreboard in the first 15 minutes of the game. I say it's time to stop fuckin around and bring in Alexi Lalas to return US soccer to glory. I'm pretty sure he has to be immune to gonorrhea by now.

Can Someone Tell Me Why Instant Replay Is So Fuckin Taboo?

I know nobody in the US is watching the World Cup today because we've been eliminated and won't give a shit about "futbol" for the next 4 years, but this is getting outta control. It's fuckin unbelievable how bad these refs are shitting the bed out there today. An obvious English goal was disallowed earlier today against Germany that would've tied the match and now in this Argentina/Mexico match they just blew an offsides call by about 3 feet that resulted in an Argentinian goal. Christ, Jim Joyce should've just gone to work for FIFA, he'd fit right in and would totally be used to the death threats by now.


For once the rest of the sporting world should take a note from the NHL who has successfully used instant replay to govern it's sport for the past 15 or so years.

In the National Hockey League, goals may only be reviewed in the following situations:
puck crossing the goal line completely
puck in the net prior to end of period
puck in the net prior to goal frame being dislodged
puck being directed into the net by hand or foot
puck in the net after deflecting directly off an official
puck deflected into the goal by the high stick by an attacking player

The review may only be initiated by the on-ice referees or by the video replay judge; neither team can initiate a review. Such a review must take place immediately (if play is stopped) or at the next stoppage in play (if play continues). In the Winter Olympics ice hockey tournament, all goals scored are automatically reviewed to ensure they were legitimate. The NHL also reviews all goals. In addition to goals scored, many plays in the NHL are monitored in "the war room" at the NHL league office in Toronto by head replay official (and former Winnipeg Jet) Kris King and his assistants, who can contact replay judges at games (usually high-level local referees) and ask them to review the plays, or to mete out punishments to players for illegal on-ice actions that were not noticed by the on-ice officials.

And all this instant replay hasn't ruined hockey, in fact it's made it way better. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I've been upset about a goal or non goal that I thought they got wrong. They just don't get it wrong because the NHL has embraced the technology instead of shunning it. It's about time the rest of the world gets with the fuckin program and cleans up their act cause this shit is getting embarrassing.

PS - I know that Jim Joyce logo made you wet. My bro Kyle drew it and it's gonna be our first t-shirt once I get my shit together, so start saving your money cause there isn't a Detroit sports fan that wouldn't want to find this sitting under the Christmas tree come December.

PSS - Shit is copyrighted so don't get any ideas about stealing it. Otherwise I'm gonna have Papa Mason unleash his legal fury on your ass until I own your vacation home in Traverse City.

Did Anyone Notice That Manny Harris Plays For Ghana?

I'm thinking that when Manny Harris didn't get drafted he used his Ghanaian roots to snag a spot on their World Cup team. Just a shame he scored more for them then he did for U of M.

PS -It's a total shot in the dark that his family is from Ghana but it makes for a much better story. The most likely scenario is that one of them became a child soldier and ended up playing soccer instead of banging chicks in the BOX house bathroom in Ann Arbor.

South African Loses Hand, Then Remote, Then Life

Associated Press

JOHANNESBURG -- Police say a South African man who wanted to watch a World Cup match instead of a religious program was beaten to death by his family in the northeastern part of the country. David Makoeya, a 61-year-old man from the small village of Makweya, Limpopo province, fought with his wife and two children for the remote control on Sunday because he wanted to watch Germany play Australia in the World Cup. The others, however, wanted to watch a gospel show. "He said, 'No, I want to watch soccer,'" police spokesman Mothemane Malefo said Thursday. "That is when the argument came about. "In that argument, they started assaulting him." Malefo said Makoeya got up to change the channel by hand after being refused the remote control and was attacked by his 68-year-old wife Francina and two children, 36-year-old son Collin and 23-year-old daughter Lebogang. Malefo said he was not sure what the family used to kill Makoeya. "It appears they banged his head against the wall," Malefo said. "They phoned the police only after he was badly injured, but by the time the police arrived the man was already dead." All three were arrested Sunday night, but Lebogang was released on $200 bail Tuesday, Malefo said. The other two are still being held in custody. Malefo said the mother and son will reappear in the local Seshego Magistrates Court on July 27. "He was always a happy man, never violent," Makoeya's nieces, Miriam and Anna, told the Daily Sun newspaper. "On Saturday, we saw him the last time at a funeral." The World Cup, being played in Africa for the first time, started Friday and runs through July 11. Although most the tickets for the 64-game tournament have been sold, many in South Africa are too poor to attend matches.

I almost don't feel bad for this guy. I mean, get control of your household. My gf knows that I get dinner served first, I get the good chair, and I sure as hell get the remote. And thats in the United States of America! I figured South African women would be holding the antenna just right while their men watched the World Cup for the next month. And to go out trying to watch Australia vs. Germany. That's like me trying to turn It's Me Or The Dog to watch Johns Hopkins vs Duke Lacrosse and have Eileen and Stella chew my ass up. Props to him for not quitting though. Old man probably went out braveheart style. They were probably begging him to say gospel. Gospel old man, gospel.... Good night sweet prince.

Douchey Brit Goalie Got Dumped Before The World Cup

English goalkeeper Robert Green may have had his mind elsewhere when Clint Dempsey's shot bounced off his hands and into the net to give the Americans a 1-1 tie Saturday in the World Cup opener for both teams. British tabloids The Mirror and The Daily Mail are suggesting Green's recent breakup with 23-year-old Canadian model Elizabeth Minett may have distracted the goalie in preparing for soccer's showcase event. Green apologized to his teammates and England's fans after his stunning error gave the Americans a tie, but hasn’t mentioned the Canadian bombshell.

If I knew I was never getting back up in that I'd be slightly distracted too. Legs for fuckin days. Hey Elizabeth, I hear Clint Dempsey has a 12 incher and the US is a lot closer to Toronto than England. Wanna change teams?

K'naan Gets You Through Till Monday

World Cup Preview - Groups E-H

Group E: Cameroon, Denmark, Japan, Netherlands


Group E is one of the tougher groups in the entire tournament. The freaky deaky Dutch are the favorites to take the group, riding the impressive play of Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, both of whom played in the Champions League Final last month. Cameroon are captained by the potent goal scorer Samuel Eto’o and should prove a tough out. I just don’t think Samuel Eto’o is capable of leading a team into the knockout phase. He recently threatened to sit out the of the World Cup just because he was being criticized in the media. What a pussy. That’s why I like the Danes. They remind me of the ’04 Stones. No real superstar, just a hard working, team first attitude. And yeah, I’m completely overlooking the Japanese because they just lost to England 2-1 by scoring twice on their own goal?!?


Group F: Italy, Paraguay, Slovakia, New Zealand


This is probably the easiest group in the tournament. Defending champ Italy are going to run away with this group, no problem. Kind of sucks to be Giussepi Rossi, huh? Oh, you don’t know who he is? He is just the stud forward that was born in New Jersey to Italian immigrant parents who happens to hold citizenship in both the U.S. and Italy. He chose to represent Italy in last years Confederations Cup only to get left off of the World Cup roster. Suck it, Rossi! Coming out with Italy I have Paraguay simply because New Zealand is the worst team in the tournament and Slovakia only has Liverpool defender Martin Skrtel.


Group G: Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea


What was originally pegged as the “Group of Death” just got a little clearer. If initial reports are accurate it seems Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba may miss the tournament due to a fractured elbow. That is a huge blow because Ivory Coast were my dark horse World Champions. Without Drogba, though, the group seems destined to go to both Portuguese speaking nations. Brazil was always destined to make it out of this group, but Portugal's poor form of recent really had me doubting them. Now it is that much easier for Kaka and Ronaldo, Real Madrid teammates and World Cup foes.


Group H: Spain, Switzerland, Chile, Honduras


If you asked me to predict the World Champion right now I would tell you that it is Spain’s to lose. If you are new to soccer, Spain is the team to watch. They play the game with the most style and flair. Midfielders Xavi and Iniesta of Barcelona at two of the best in the world and David Villa up top provides the goal scoring. I have the Swiss following Spain into the knockout phase just because Honduras doesn't have the quality to get more than 1 point and Chile lacks star power.



MarcUM

World Cup Preview - Group By Group

Footie anyone?

Group A: France, Mexico, South Africa, Uruguay


This is an interesting group simply because the host nation, South Africa, resides in it. No host nation has ever failed to make it out of their group, but this year will be the first. The best bet to win the group will be France despite their struggles to qualify. They barely made it into the tournament, having had to rely on a well timed hand ball from Thierry Henry (pictured above in his youth with a glorious soup strainer). Mexico and Uruguay will fight for that second spot and I’ll take Uruguay on goal differential just because I hate Brock Martinez and all things Mexico when it comes to soccer.

Group B: Argentina, Greece, Nigeria, South Korea


Argentina will be the overwhelming favorites to win this group, and they will. Lionel Messi and the Argentinian attack is just too good, even if they have a madman for a manager (yes, that is Diego Maradona). For the runner-up in the group will likely be the winner of the South Korea and Greece game. Greece knows how to defend, but I have a good feeling about South Korea. Nigeria shouldn’t be overlooked, especially playing on their home continent, but they just don’t have the quality to advance.

Group C: Algeria, England, Slovenia, USA


When the draw came in for this group all of the English press dubbed this the “Group of Life.” I can’t disagree, England that the Yanks are the overwhelming favorites in this group. I like England to win the group, but only on goal differential. I think America (FUCK YEAH!) draw with England and then pick up another two wins. Plus I feel like Landon Donovan is a huge bro, so I guess that helps.

Group D: Australia, Germany, Ghana, Serbia


This is another easy group that Germany should run away with. Yeah, I know they just lost Michael Ballack to injury, but the rest of the group just kind of sucks. Ghana could have been a player but Michael Essien, their star midfielder, has been ruled out of the cup. Due to a lack of depth that makes the Aussies the default runner-up, mostly because I know absolutely nothing about Serbia.

I’ll get my predictions for groups E-H to y’all later.

MarcUM

World Cup Preview

The World Cup is almost upon us so you better get ready to kick some balls and fake some injuries. As far as I'm concerned soccer players are just cross country runners who can solve a Rubik's cube with their feet and that just doesn't really do it for me. And then when I see dudes flopping all over the field anytime they get touched it just makes me hate it even more. In fact, the only soccer player I respect is Elizabeth Lambert because nothing about this hair pulling was fake.



But as much as I would rather cover a cat fashion show than the World Cup, I know this is kinda the biggest deal in sports to a lot of people. So, without further ado I've brought back Pistons writer and soccer aficionado MarcUM to fill you in.

Mmase



Team USA - Part 1


Forwards
The Yanks are pretty thin up top, like always. Jozy Altidore (Hull City) is the only guaranteed starter out of the group and he struggled in his first year in the Premier League in England. After Altidore it’s anybody’s guess, so here is mine. The second starter is probably going to come from a group of either Brian Ching (Houston Dynamo), Herculez Gomez (Puebla), or Edson Buddle (L.A. Galaxy). My money is on Edson Buddle. Not only is he a teammate of Landon Donovan’s in L.A. but he has also been tearing up the MLS this year. He has 9 goals in 7 games, leading the league, but most of his goals have come with a Donovan assist. That chemistry should prove the deciding factor for Buddle because it will make his transition into the team that much easier. Gomez may also be a good option, though, having led the Mexican League in goal scoring.

Midfield
This area of the team is obviously the strength, having many impact players that have been very successful in Europe. The three guaranteed starters are Landon Donovan (L.A. Galaxy) on the left flank, Clint Dempsey (Fulham) on the right, and Michael Bradley (Borussia Monchengladbach). Donovan was on loan in the EPL for over a month and proved he could play with the best. In a game against Chelsea he abused England defender Ashley Cole so badly that he literally broke his ankle. Dempsey is the most creative and gifted attacker on the US’s roster. He has a knack for scoring quality goals in big games and easily has the highest showtime rating on our roster. Bradley is the son of the coach, but don’t let that fool you. He has been locking down the central midfield in the German Bundesliga and provides a gritty presence.


Defenders
With the return to fitness of Oguchi Onyewu (A.C. Milan) our defense is turning back into a strength. Onyewu was out since October with a knee injury but has been in full training for a month now. Carlos Bocanegra (Rennes), the team’s captain, has been a quality defender in Europe for years now, and Jonathan Spector (West Ham) will have competed against every player on England’s roster.

Goalkeepers
All you need to know about this position is that Tim Howard is one of the best goalkeepers in the world. This is THE position of strength for the US.


I’ll save predictions and overall group analysis for the next post. 27 Days!

MarcUM