In More "What the Hell Happened to Michigan on this Map" News

Here's the thing about being from Michigan. Throughout the course of any normal day you're gonna be expected to explain to at least one random person just exactly where you are from in Michigan. Might be cause they used to live in Michigan, they went to college there, or maybe they just heard of it once in a Gordon Lightfoot song, but either way you're gonna have to bust out your hand and give people what they want.

But what I don't understand is how a state with such a distinct and recognizable shape can get straight up butchered on national maps. I mean this isn't the first time this has happened. We're talking about a continued pattern of blatant disrespect here. Not to mention these are fricken computer generated maps. We've got computers that can fly planes from thousands of miles away but don't ask one to draw a map of Michigan, shit will crash instantly.

Whatever, it is what it is I guess, but if they're trying to get us to secede so the national unemployment rate goes down then I'm all for it. Don't wanna be part of a group that would allow Ohio to be a member anyway.

Death by Corn

Freep - Authorities say a high school student who was working at a Bay County farm has suffocated after being trapped underneath corn in a silo. The Bay City Times reports 18-year-old Tommy Osier died Monday at Pine Grove Farm in Gibson Township, about five miles west of Standish. It took several hours for rescuers to free him from the silo and he was pronounced dead at the scene by a medical examiner.

Gotta be the worst way to die ever. I mean you could always try to eat your way out but then you'd be shitting those little kernels of undigested corn for weeks. No thank you.

What The Hell Happened to Michigan on this Map?

I was reading an interesting article about AIDS in America and came across this map showing the distribution of the 1 million Americans living with HIV. Some pretty heavy shit. But what upset me as much as these startling numbers was how bad this map butchered the state of Michigan. It's not even fricken there! Just a huge ass void where it should be. Man, have a little respect for the Winter Wonderland for crumps sake. I mean you include the Florida Keys? What the fucks up with that?

Doctor Death, Jack Kevorkian Hospitalized

ROYAL OAK, MI (WWJ) – Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian has been admitted to a Royal Oak hospital, where he is reportedly being treated for pneumonia and kidney problems. Kevorkian’s friend and former attorney Mayer Morganroth told WWJ Newsradio 950 Kevorkian was briefly treated for kidney problems earlier this month. Beaumont Hospital is not releasing any information. Kevorkian, who will turn 83 next week, earned the nickname “Doctor Death” in the 1990′s when he admittedly assisted in the suicides of several terminally ill patients.

I met Kevorkian once at a medical supplies expo in the Silverdome and he told me that if he ever ends up in the hospital he wants the plug pulled immediately no matter the ailment. Sore throat, appendicitis, in for a routine physical, whatever. He just kept mumbling something about the sweet release of death and bypassing all the agony and pain or some crap like that. All I know is he gave me the green light so I say we just go ahead and do it while I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to feel about the whole thing.

Jennifer Granholm Tweeting Straight Fire @thegovernator

As news of former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair and child out of wedlock exploded Tuesday, two Michigan voices joined the Internet fray. Admonishing tweets came from former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm and her husband, Dan Mulhern. Piped Granholm: "Another guy guv admits 2 cheating on his wife. Maybe we need more women governors. Guys: keep ur pants zipped, for Pete's sake."

Easy there Granholm. You ever hear the saying, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? Well, if you don't want people tweeting up a storm about your same-sex marriage I'd chill the fuck out.



Get it? They're both dudes.

Did These Ann Arbor Pioneer Seniors Just Pull the Prank of the Century?

Freep.com -- 31 Pioneer High School seniors have been suspended and ordered to perform community service after damaging the sports fields of two other Ann Arbor schools during a prank gone awry. About 10 of the students cut down the tennis nets at Huron High School, and defecated on the fields and spray-painted purple "P" letters on the grass and turf there and at Skyline High School the evening of May 6, Ann Arbor Schools spokeswoman Liz Margolis said. The remainder of the group was present. "They’ll be able to clean them up, but there is a cost attached, obviously," Margolis said today of the schools.

The boys’ and girls’ suspensions begin today and run through May 20, the last day of school for seniors, Margolis said. The students also will have to perform 10 hours of community service at Pioneer, pay for the cost of cleanup and write apologies to the staff and students at the other schools. The athletes in the group also are banned from participating in sports during their suspensions, and none will be allowed to attend the popular all-night, post-graduation party.

Let me get this right. These kids cut up their rivals' tennis nets, spray painted the Pioneers' logo on their astroturf, and dropped a couple of steamers on the 50 yard line and as punishment the school gave them 10 hours of community service and the rest of the year off? Hmmm...not sure how that's supposed to deter other people from doing it.

I say sign me the fuck up. I'd hammer out that community service in the parking lot of the school with a topless carwash to pay for the new tennis nets and then spend the rest of my senior year chilling at the beach. Shit, and as for having to miss that super awesome, soberfest know as the all night post-grad party, I think I'll take a pass just like I did when I was in high school and go get drunk in Rhino's basement.

PS - I love Liz Margolis' comment about the cost attached with cleaning up somebody's shit. Like what's the going rate for cleaning human feces?

Jennifer Granholm's Portrait Unveiled at Capitol. He Looks Great

Awesome Billboard on Westbound I-94, Near Wayne Exit

We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets heads are fallin off, but at least we haven't lost our sense of humor.

I Never Would've Guessed this is the Face of a Guy Who Ran Over a Family of Ducks with his Hummer

A 19-year-old Ann Arbor man faces up to four years in prison after he was charged with intentionally running over and killing four ducklings with his Hummer. Dillon Pearce was arraigned Tuesday in 15th District Court in Ann Arbor on one count of killing/torturing animals, Ann Arbor Police Det. Sgt. Brian Jatczak said. The ducklings, the mother duck and four to eight other ducklings were nesting under a bush at a McDonald's restaurant in Ann Arbor, wandering in and out of the parking lot, Jatczak said. A passenger in Pearce's Hummer tried to pick up a duckling at about 6:15 p.m. Monday “and the employees yelled at them to leave them alone," Jatczak said. The Hummer then went through the drive-thru and was parked in an adjacent lot, police said. Pearce is charged with driving the Hummer back into the McDonald's parking lot and running over the flock, killing four of the ducklings, Jatczak said. Employees called police, who found Pearce at a nearby gas station.

My bet is that Spencer was probably distracted behind the wheel cause Heidi was nagging about wanting new implants or fake eyeballs or some shit.

Seriously though, where does the humane society draw the line when it comes to which animals are okay to torture? Some are easy, like burning ants with a magnifying glass, fuckin awesome. But what about some of the more gray areas? Like what if this was a snake or a family of rats? Doubt you'd have Khloe Kardashian exposing her gargantuan ass to save them.


But since it's a cute little family of fuzzy little ducklings walking all in a row the day after Easter, the whole world wants to crucify you. Seems like a double standard. Not that I'm defending this dickwad or anything, all I'm saying is the next time he wants to impress his friends by killing some animals he should probably just buy a Stormy Kromer and a shotgun and do it like the rest of society.

Ann Arbor Man Quarantined After Eating Rat Poison Gave Him Toxic Farts

Ann Arbor— Officials at an Ann Arbor hospital have declared an end to a hazmat situation that developed when a patient swallowed rodent poison, leaving authorities to fear he would emit harmful gases. Officials at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital today isolated the patient to one room, where Washtenaw County hazmat teams monitored air quality. Hospital spokeswoman Lauren Jones said a machine would take environmental samples over the following 24 hours. "The levels are not at explosive or flammable levels," Jones said in a statement earlier in the afternoon.

The folks over at the UofM hospital are the best in the business. Trust me, I got my schnoz reconstructed there after some juicehead gorilla from Davenport caved in my cage and half my face with an elbow during a club hockey game. But Jesus guys, act like you've seen a dude with a radioactive ass before. Straight bushleague. I fricken keep one of these suits around the house for the Lady Friend to wear to bed after I eat Thai.

Best Michigan Shirt?

In addition to yesterday being Easter and the birthday of yours truly, it was also MICHIGAN STATE FAIR Day at this bar called the Bell House near me in Brooklyn. The event had an Eminem look-a-like contest, a $100 pasty cookoff and Michigan trivia for free beers. Pretty much my dream birthday event. I even got a trivia question correct in front of a huge room of people.

Q - Which direction are you driving if you enter the tunnel from Detroit heading into Windsor?
A - South.

The Lady Friend also jumped up on stage and started reppin JBS on the mic. All and all it was a great day. Here are some of the better shirts that we saw while we were there. Now it's time for you to vote. I'm going for the Sandoval shirt. Guy said it was his girlfriends and had absolutely no idea how fuckin sweet it was. I'd also vote for the "Welcome To Flint. Now Go Home" as a close second.






















PS - Some drunk chick kept telling Justin he had to listen to "Robo Cop" by Kanye West. So she wrote it down for him.

Northern Lights. NBD

One of the many reasons Michigan donkey punches the rest of the 49 states. Pure Michigan biotches!


Pure New York


Pure L.A.


Pure Chicago

Do You Smell What Miss USA and Dearborn Native, Rima Fakih, Is Cookin?

She's an F-bomb throwing, hot-tub bopping, body-slamming, drink-tossing party girl competing to become a professional wrestler on a reality TV show that debuted last week. "Yeah, I'm a beauty queen, but I'm (expletive) tough," said Dearborn's Rima Fakih, the reigning Miss USA, as she looked into the camera in the first episode of "WWE Tough Enough," a series that airs 8 p.m. Mondays on the USA Network. Once upon a time, beauty queens were prim and proper, decked out in elegant gowns and sparkling tiaras, using their position to promote such causes as world peace, and, like, saving the dolphins. Then along came Dearborn's Rima Fakih, the reigning Miss USA. "You big, stupid mother (expletive)!" she shouted, in the first episode of "WWE Tough Enough," a reality TV show on the USA Network. "Get the (expletive) out of my face. I'm gonna (expletive) kill you."

That's right Miss USA competition. You wanna crown some chick from the D you better believe you're gonna have a foul mouthed, stone cold stunnin' biotch on your hands. Just how we roll.

Somebody Please Tell Me We're Not Relying On Shrimp Farming To Save Michigan?

Russ Allen is looking for a way to build a shrimp Rouge Plant -- a pollution-free, recirculating facility that could breed, grow, process and ship a million pounds of shrimp a year. Allen, has been raising shrimp indoors in Okemos since 1994 at his Seafood Systems research facility. "This could be the start of an entirely new industry for Michigan, a clean industry, with new jobs," he said -- if he can find the $10 million he needs to build a commercial plant.

I love how anytime some dude in Michigan makes a buck or two with a backyard invention it automatically becomes the thing that's gonna save our economy. There's probably more money in Russ giving out 'stache trimming advice than there is in trying to turn Michigan into a Red Lobster.

PS - If I'd won that 320 million dollar MegaBall they gave out in NY I'd be all over this investment opportunity. Bubba Mason Shrimp.

Shipwreck of 1820's Schooner Found in Lake Michigan

HOLLAND — An organization that documents shipwrecks says it’s found the wreck of a 60-foot, single-masted sloop in Lake Michigan that may date back to the 1830s. Michigan Shipwreck Research Associates this week announced that that the wreck was found off southwestern Michigan in water about 250 feet deep between Saugatuck and South Haven. The discovery was made while working with author Clive Cussler and his sonar operator Ralph Wilbanks of the National Underwater & Marine Agency. Holland-based Michigan Shipwreck Research Associates says the vessel sits upright and is in relatively good condition. The group says the sloop’s construction and design are consistent with ships built in the 1820s and 1830s. Video of the wreck is expected to be shown April 16 at an event in Holland.

I smell a songwriting opportunity here. Somebody cue the GL.

Fennville, MI Kid Hits Game Winner and Promtly Dies

FENNVILLE, Mich. — A Michigan high school's star basketball player collapsed on the court and later died after making a game-winning layup in overtime to cap his team's perfect season. Wes Leonard of Fennville High died Thursday night, Holland Hospital spokeswoman Deb Patterson said. A cause of death has not yet been determined. Paramedics performed CPR on the 16-year-old before he was pronounced dead at the hospital, Patterson said.

Yikes, I believe this is called pulling a Dantonio.

Marketing Resource Team Spends Thousands to Confirm What I Already Told You. Michigander is the Preferred Nomenclature.

People who live in Michigan overwhelmingly consider themselves Michiganders rather than Michiganians, affirming the custom of new Gov. Rick Snyder and longstanding practice at the Free Press, according to a poll set for release Thursday. Fifty-eight percent of those surveyed said they were Michiganders, compared to 12% who prefer -ganians, 7% who were okay with both, 11 percent who don’t like either one and 12 percent who apparently had not taken the time to form an opinion.

Once again JBS is way ahead of the curve here. No shit Michigander is the preferred nomenclature and I proved it with a JBS.com survey roughly 7 months ago. But what I really love about this survey is that tied for second is a bunch of people who didn't give a shit and refused to answer the question. I love it. That's the same indifference that I bring to both religion and politics.

Worst Song About Michigan Ever?

Wow, that's 3 minutes and 29 seconds that I'll never get back. You just kept waiting and waiting for something funny or cool to happen, but nothing. The only good moment in this whole thing is the shot of the breakwall at the 3:03 mark. That's it. This thing's so terrible that about half way through I started to wonder if I sweated this chick. I mean I'd need to be about a sixer and a half deep but I'd definitely do it. She kinda has this Pam from the office thing going.

Michigan Reconsiders its Ban on Guns in Churches, Arenas, and Bars

Mlive.com - Legislation to do away with the list of places where concealed weapons are banned in Michigan – including churches, arenas and bars – was introduced today in the state Senate. Sen. Mike Green, R-Mayville, the bill’s sponsor, said the restrictions, enacted as part of a controversial change in concealed weapons law a decade ago which made licenses easier to obtain, are cumbersome and unnecessary.

About god damn time! I'm done leaving my fuckin gat at home everytime I wanna praise the lord, go to the Palace, or rip back a few at the Pirate's Cove. With this law Michigan officially becomes the best state in the Union because seriously, the only thing missing from the Malace at the Palace was armed fans.

Free hat and JBS shoutout to the first person who can name the movie this picture is from...

It has nothing to do with the state of Michigan

Happy 174th birthday you Water Winter Wonderland you

The great state of Michigan is celebrating it's birthday so here are some great facts for you.

The State motto is "Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice," which means if you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you. Only beef here is that the slogan should've been "Si quaeris DOS peninsulams amoenam circumspice" cause the UP ain't taking a back seat to anybody. There are also 38,575 sq. mi. of Great Lake water area and 3,126 miles of Great Lakes shoreline, more fresh water coastline than any other state. Cali and Alaska go fuck yourself with that nasty salt water. To boot Michigan has 19,000,000 acres of forest cover, 11,000 inland lakes, and 36,000 miles of streams. Seriously, 11,000 lakes? Suck on that Minnesota. But my favorite straight up factoid is that no matter where you go in Michigan, you are always within 85 miles of one of the Great Lakes. Just Great Lakes, great times, all the time. So be sure to wish your Water Winter Wonderland a happy birthday bitches! Wouldn't want to be from any other state and if I was from Ohio I'd kill myself.