Time For Some War Games

McKittrick: These computers give us instant access to the state of the world. Troop movements, Soviet missle tests, shifting weather patterns. It all flows into this room and then into what we call the WOPR computer.
White House Aide: WOPR? What is that?
McKittrick: The War Operations Plan and Response. This is, uh, Mr. Richter. Paul, would you like to tell these gentlemen about the WOPR?
Richter: Well, the WOPR spends all its time thinking about WWIII. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, it plays an endless series of war games, using all available information on the state of the world. The WOPR has already fought WWIII as a game, time and time again. It estimates Soviet responses to our responses to their responses and so on. Estimates damage, counts the dead, then it looks for ways to improve its score...
McKittrick: But the point is, is that the key decisions of every conceivable nuclear crisis have already been made by the WOPR.

JoeyBallGame has been giving exclusive rights to the WOPR. The WOPR asked us if we wanted to talk about Global ThermoNuclear War? Nope. Chess? Nope. Tic-Tac-Toe? Nope. USA vs. Canada Olympic Results? Of course.

The WOPR predicts an early Canadian power play goal let in by Ryan Miller followed by the US responding with a goal late in the first to tie it up. The second period is a defensive battle with Ryan Miller on fire and the US is able to sneak 1 by Luongo to take the advantage. Canada ties it up early in the third and the crowd is going crazy until Parise takes his Chinese star maple leaf and slits Team Canada's head off for the 3-2 lead and the win. Canada is left wondering if benching Broduer was the difference. GO USA! Thanks WOPR. Sorry to the Canadian girlfriend…….



The Boy

Ryan Malone Has Some Serious Ink

When the US pulled Ryan Miller in the third period they cut to the bench and showed Ryan Malone banging his stick on the boards to congratulate his tender. I noticed the dude either had a bad case of Beckers Nevus where hair only grows on one side of your body (ask Bmase), or he was rockin some huge ass tattoo on his chest. Turns out he is tatted up like the illustrated man. Having a tat myself, I kinda like this. I also love that he rocks the Squirt shoulder pads like Brendan Shanahan. Bad ass. Here is a shot of his full canvas.


I got a feeling on Sunday he will be getting a gold medal tattoo added to this mural.

Drama Beats Is Gonna Design My T-shirts

You first met Chris "Drama" Pfaff on MTV's reality hit "Rob and Big." The Akron, Ohio, native worked for his cousin -- pro skateboarder Rob Dyrdek -- as a dog walker, skateboard builder and all-around verbal punching bag for the crew. But with the launch of Dyrdek's next show, "Fantasy Factory," Drama stepped up his game. He started his own music studio and production company and launched his own clothing line, called Young & Reckless. For Y&R's spring 2010 line, Drama designed an exclusive T-shirt in honor of NBA phenom Kevin Durant. Page 2 asked why. "Dude is young and killing the game right now," Drama said. "I'm a big fan of young people doing big things. He was on my radar when he was at Texas, too. First freshman to win the Naismith Award. Big things!"

So Drama from Rob and Big is in the t-shirt game these days. I guess he had to come up with a hobby to pass the time between getting shot with the net and picking up dog shit for a living. He just got his most high profile client when he designed a special shirt for Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Well, that was until now. I am currently in talks with Drama about designing the best shirt ever created for Joeyballgame.blogspot.com. Keep your eyes open cause shit is coming soon.





Thanks to Thigs for the link

US Busting Out The Big Guns

This is absolutely unreal. We might as well bomb Finland while we are at it. I knew we would win, but Kiprosoff just had the biggest melt down I've ever seen in a hockey game. He botched an outlet pass 2 minutes in and let the US score on an empty net. Dude was finished from that point on. It's not all on him though, the US is straight buzzing right now with their sticks in passing lanes and the Fins are just standing around being conscientious objectors. Now the story of this game will be how the US finishes. They can't sit back and forget what got them to this point. Have to keep forward momentum into the Gold Medal game. Yeah, that's right I just wrote the US is in the GOLD MEDAL GAME bitches!!!

PS - The US shot almost 50% from the field in the first period. UofM couldn't do that in an empty gym.

Buzz, Your Girlfriend. Woof

The Canadian ladies took gold last night over the US and celebrated with some Molson and cigars. I would've been more pissed about the loss but at least we didn't have to watch the US girls celebrate with pixie sticks and Vernors. These Canadian chicks are hardcore and know how to enjoy a win. Drinking beer after a hockey game is a tradition as old as time itself. Christ, when our Pee Wee games were over we would come back into the locker room and have a bucket of Labatts waiting for us. It's just what you do.

PS - If I had a vagina and was on the Canadian team I would've been slamming Budweisers and pouring them all over my head like Stone Cold Steve Austin just to rub it in. We dominated you and now your beer.





Thanks to The Boy for the link

NYC Just Got Shit Pumped With Snow

I tried to open my door this morning and this is what I saw. Time to get my snowmobile out of storage so I can get to the bar.

Bird Cage Beard. This Guy Needs To Come To The Mustache and Turtleneck Party

Holy shit!!! I thought I had the sweetest facial hair ever grown at The Mustache & Turtleneck Holiday Gala this year but I didn't know people like this existed. This thing is fuckin outta control. I look like a chump compared to this freak.





Thanks to Jmase for the clip

Rate This Prank - I Give It A 9

Good premise here. Attacking your friend's biggest fear while he is blackout drunk is always a good start. Putting him on an elevated surface to increase the possibility of injury was also a nice touch. And this fake casket they put together with a guitar hero box was pretty much perfect. I'm only disappointed in the fact that when this dude started throwing hay makers his buddy didn't fight back at all. You wanna smack me in the face after I pull off some Penn and Teller shit like this than you better be ready for me to cave in your drunken face.

PS - I could do without the boner joke made by the little dude at the :55 mark



Thanks to Jmase for the clip

Trinity Squashes Yale

This little Asian dude from Yale can save the sob story. His team just got dominated for the 12th straight year (yeah thats right, Trinity Squash has won 12 consecutive national championships) and then he gets straight dragon breath'd into submission by this fist pumping Roger Federer wannabe. He just took it too. Didn't say nothing back, didn't headbutt him so hard his nose exploded, nothing, just took it like a bitch. Sounds about right to me. In the words of Ricky Bobby, "He's a winner. Winners get to do what they want."

Depaul Basketball In A Nutshell

I've got some family connections with Depaul basketball so I end up watching them more than most teams. I've actually seen them live twice this year and will get at least one more game out of them at the Big East Tournament in Madison Square Garden in a few weeks, but shit is just hard to watch sometimes. Like last night I was excited to see Lance Stevenson, the freshman phenom from Lincoln High School in Coney Island (the school highlighted in "He Got Game") cause I saw him play a few times last year. Dude was hands down the best high school player in the country but a shit ton of run-ins with the police left him with limited options and he ended up at Cincinnati. But last night he proved why so many people were after him in the first place. I almost jumped outta my seat when I saw him drag his balls all over Mac Koshwal's face last night. This dunk was totallyfuckinbelievable and was basically a microcosm of Depaul's season. But that doesn't mean I won't be there to cheer on the Blue Demons in my Depaul sweatervest come tourney time.

And Bmase The Goalie Was Born

I'm thinking that Bmase sucked it up after this incident and realized that he stopped the ball even if it was with his face. Some people question why they are the way they are, Bmase's calling was in this moment.

In all seriousness, fuckin around in the basement with my brothers was the best. Knee hockey was probably the most common thing we used to play. We would take turns at goalie and the other three would just rip shots and do play by play. We even heated up the blades over a pot of boiling water and curved them so we could get wicked wristers. I remember reinacting old Wings vs North Star games and I would be Jon Casey in net just flashing the leather when Bmase tried to go top tittie on me.

I miss the North Stars.



PS - What the hell kinda noise did that kid make when he got drilled? Sounded like a stuck pig or something.



Thanks to SHof for the clip and some insight

Did you know that Chris Kaman was the only All-Star on the floor last night? I Just Realized He Was Drafted After Darko Too, Christ

VS

Man, how disappointing is it when you hear the Pistons are going to be in L.A. playing some ball only to find out they’re playing the fucking Clippers.

At least the Clippers have native Michigander and CMU product Chris Kaman to watch. Nothing beats watching an All-Star (seriously, Kaman was an All-Star this year) terrorize the Piston big men all night. Actually, it wasn’t just Kaman. Even the NBA hot potato Dwight Gooden had a big night. Of course, that’s what happens when you see effort spent on the court.

I guess I shouldn’t really be expecting hustle from anyone at this point. What are we, 21-36? I mean, why expect Ben Gordon to score a single point (for real, he offered up a nice doughnut in 19 minutes)?

It’s just a little annoying at this point to have a 9 point half time lead and fully expect the Stones to blow it against the fucking Clippers. Seriously, the FUCKING CLIPPERS. It didn’t matter that Rip hit a clutch three with 40 seconds to go in the game to get the lead, you just knew something was going to go wrong. Sure enough, some homeless guy named Rasual Butler wandered onto the court and scored 5 points in the final half minute and got a clutch block on Stuckey to put the game on ice for the Clips. Who the fuck is Rasual Butler?

MarcUM

"Shit Kids In Brooklyn Say"

3 of my b-ballers just laid down this rap about going to college. Made it on NPR the other day. Check it.

3 Titans - Khalil, Jordan & Dallas

And This Little Piggy Got Crushed By A Golf Cart

Detroitnews - While defeating the coaching twosome of Lloyd McClendon and Rick Knapp on the golf course Monday, and going up 2-0 for the spring, Jim Leyland and Gene Lamont had a mishap. One Leyland still felt Tuesday. Lamont drove the cart over his foot -- and broke Leyland's right little toe. "Who told you," said Leyland, who recently shared his plans to cut down on swearing. "Was it Mac? I was hoping to say I hit it accidentally with my 9 iron." Leyland said. "Actually, I wasn't going to bring it up at all." The manager/warrior did not require medical attention, however -- other than from the team's trainers. "They're telling me that with the way it feels, it has to be broken," he said.

Man, getting your foot run over by a golf cart is bad enough but imagine getting run over by a golf cart with 300 lbs of Gene Lamont in it. Shit, Jim's little toe is probably a mangled mess. I also love that Gene is running his mouth about being 2-0 in skin's games over Lloyd McClendon. Dude is the worst hitting coach in baseball, I highly doubt he is any good at golf.




Thanks to The Boy for the link

Two Teachers One Chair

Fox News – Two teachers’ performance of a dirty dance at a Canadian high school rally has led to their suspension without pay, The Globe and Mail reported. After footage of the graphic lap dance was posted online, the Winnipeg School Division launched an investigation into the incident at Churchill High School. The video, “Two Teachers, One Chair,” features physical education instructor Chrystie Fitchner and an unidentified male teacher in a sexually explicit routine that had students turn from laughter to disbelief. “At first we were laughing and then it was like, ‘Oh that’s a little too far,’” The Globe and Mail quoted 14-year-old Freshman Saigha Vincent. Winnipeg school trustee Mike Babinsky expressed his outrage at the teachers’ behavior, and said he will wait for the results of the investigation before deciding whether to lobby for further disciplinary action, The Globe and Mail reported. “He is sticking his head into her crotch, into her private area,” Babinsky told The Globe and Mail on Tuesday. “I don’t know if they’re making contact, but it’s way too close.” Thirteen-year-old student Montana Fortier said the “whole school was rattled” after the assembly.

So they are gonna be fired for sure, right? And I guess that means there is an opening in the P.E. department at Churchhill High School. Count me in, I gotta get hired by this school. Shit looks awesome. Like how long were they gonna let this go on before a principal, administrator, custodian, or fuckin lunch lady stepped in and stopped it?

I definitely remember some pretty rowdy stuff happening at all school assemblies in old Menominee. But it was never anything more than Brett Dessart doing the Chris Farley Chippendale's dance with a solid 4 inches of ass crack showing or dudes dressed as cheerleaders with the largest fake tits you could jam into a jumper. Nothing outrageous like two teachers simulating oral on one another. Woulda loved to see a certain football coach/English teacher go down on the algebra teacher, Old Lady Antilla. Talk about a pep rally.

PS - You know Kurt Warner is gonna be suing for defamation of character. It is common knowledge that he never goes down on his wife.

Dutch Douche Does It Again

Huffingtonpost.com - Sven Kramer lost the gold medal Tuesday when coach Gerard Kemkers sent him the wrong way on a changeover during the 25 laps of the 10,000-meter speedskating race – a mistake so elementary, it defies belief. "It is a disastrous error," said Kemkers, still in shock because his faulty instructions had Kramer disqualified and moved Lee Seung-hoon of South Korea from silver to gold. "This is unprecedented in an Olympic Games," said U.S. coach Derek Parra. Kramer had not lost a 10,000 in three years, making him the prohibitive favorite to win – until the inexplicable happened. Every lap, a skater moves from the outside lane to the inside lane, or vice versa, for a changeover to make sure everybody skates the same distance. "Sometimes you're coming out and looking for good ice, you might go either tight on the track or wide on the track to get better ice. And it's at that time you think – 'OK, where did I just come from?'"

After wearing out his media welcome, "The Disaster from Denmark", Sven Kramer, decided he wasn't done being the biggest a-hole in the world and confirmed the fact that the Dutch are the Gold Medal winners for Douchery. Just serves him right. Guy was pissed nobody knew his name when he won the 10,000m and now he can be certain nobody will forget his dumbass after being DQ'ed for switching into the wrong lane. Classic. But on a more positive note this has to be good for my reality show idea where Sven moves in with Bruce Jenner and learns how to live life after Olympic fame. In the pilot episode Kris Kardasian surgically removes Sven's balls and puts them on the mantle next to Bruce's. This could totally save NBC after they lost 200 million broadcasting fuckin ice dancing.

Why Is Marshall Faulk On My Doritos?

Marshall must have the best agent in the world. How is he still getting paid to advertise stuff? He hasn't been relevant since '03

Brian Westbrook Looks Forward To A Future Of Worshipping Howard Stern's Prostate

I'm glad this happened to Scott Van Pelt and not Hannah Storm cause we all know she can't take a joke. He should've know that this wasn't Brian right from the start when he asked Scott how he was doing. No athlete says hi to a sportscaster unless it's a hot ass chick or a former athlete. That's just the rule. And I thought he had more on air savvy than this. He just looks at Steve Levy, says hi and then waits for him to save his ass. Weak.

We're Going Streaking

Holy shit, I decided to take a little break and celebrate my little sister’s birthday and all of a sudden the Pistons decide to piece together back to back wins! What’s going on here? And shit, one of those wins was over the Spurs!

Rip’s been tearing it up, shooting 21 for 39 over the last two games and really carrying the offense. Really the whole team has been shooting it better over the last two games. Stuckey and Gordon were the primary help for Rip against the Spurs, dropping 20 and 21 respectively, while Tayshaun chipped in with 22 of his own against the Kings.

I think the part I’m most excited about is that the Pistons essentially blew out the Kings. You know things are going right when John Kuester can find time in the game to get Chris Wilcox 12 minutes (enough time to pick up 4 boards and a technical foul). Oh, and our ghostly first round pick even managed to stretch his legs for an impressive 3 minutes filled with an exciting defensive rebound!

Anyways, up next we get the Clippers in L.A. Not sure how I feel about this game. On the one hand it’s the Clippers, on the other hand we are the Pistons.

MarcUM

Wolverines Lay The Foundation For A B-Ball Dynasty With All Those Bricks

I know I said I was done and I am. But an 18 point half? Bahahahaha. That's 6th grade basketball shit.

Illinos 51, Michigan 44

Lions Are Shopping #2 Pick

NFL Network - Jason La Canfora reported yesterday that the Lions are not just open to trading the No. 2 overall pick, but they are actually actively looking for deals to move down in the first round. The Lions are actively shopping the second overall pick in April’s draft, according to a league source, and would be very comfortable trading down, looking to stockpile three or four assets. The Lions already have been in discussions with other teams about the prospect, according to the source, and have ample time to make such a move before the draft begins April 22.

Is this really a story? No shit we're shopping the #2 overall pick. News flash, we are terrible. We would like to get better. If you wanna give us your whole draft for N. Suh or one of these QB's then we are in. This is how you play the game. It's called being a GM.

Shirt Change?

VS

So last night was Justin's birthday and we went out for a few drinks. Before heading out I noticed he put on a nice white dress shirt cause he claimed he was gonna be a make out machine. Cool, whatever, don't hate the player hate the game. But then as we are about to leave I look over at him again and he is wearing this spiffy black button down shirt. Dude totally switched shirts once he was already dressed and ready to go. This shit ain't allowed, right? I'm pretty sure I saw "The Situation" do this once on Jersey Shore but that guy makes his own rules. I busted Justin's chops about this for the rest of the night. I wanna know from you guys, can a dude put on one outfit, make a semi-public appearance in the living room, and then go back and change his outfit again? I say hell no. But I wear sweatpants almost every day of my life so what the hell do I know.

Boom Boom Pow!

Guess this ass. Scroll down for the answer.




















That's right. It's J.Lo in the flesh and she has all 60 pounds of that ass crammed into that leather cat suit. I'm totally down. Chick looks great for being 41. I just have to question that jewelry she is rockin. Shit looks like she got it at "Claire's" in the Pine Tree Mall.

Lady Gaga Laying The Wood

Huffingtonpost.com - Lady Gaga's revealing stage costume at the Grammys proved that she doesn't have a penis after all, but she's got a big one snaking down the leg of her pants on the cover of the new Q, a British music magazine. "We all know that one of the biggest talking points of the year was that I have a dick, so why not give them what they want?" she told the magazine. "I want to wear a dick strapped to my vagina."

I can't get a read on Lady Gaga. Half the time she looks like the Slim Jim dude and the other half of the time she looks like a sexy female Edward Scissorhands. I'm starting to think that I sweat her, minus the whole having a penis thing.

AHHH!

Michigan Gets Popped By NCAA

Freep.com - The NCAA has issued a notice of allegations to the University of Michigan alleging five major violations in its football program. University officials just released the report this afternoon. Incoming athletic director David Brandon said the school would be sticking with head coach Rich Rodriguez. “We view these allegations seriously,” Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman said. "We will make all necessary changes. What we will not do is make excuses. Among the allegations:

-From January 2008 through this past September, the program exceeded the permissible limit on the number of coaches by five. The NCAA alleges that five quality control staff members illegally engaged in on- and off-field coaching activities.

-From January 2008 through at least last September, the school permitted football staff members to illegally monitor and conduct voluntary summer workouts and impermissible activities outside the playing season. The NCAA also alleges that U-M required players to participate in summer conditioning for disciplinary purposes, and exceed time limits for countable athletically related activities during and outside the playing season.

-Graduate assistant coach Alex Herron provided “false and misleading information to the institution and enforcement staff” during the investigation.

-Coach Rodriguez “failed to promote an atmosphere of compliance within the football program and failed to adequately monitor the duties and activities of quality control staff members, a graduate assistant coach and a student assistant coach, and the time limits for athletically related activities.”

-From January 2008 through at least this past September, the athletics department “failed to adequately monitor its football program to assure compliance regarding the limitations on the number, duties and activities of countable football coaches and time limits for countable athletically related activities.”
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Well this is turning into one hell of a day. I'm back at work after a week off and this shit is the worst. I wish I could just sit at home and sling smut all day. Instead I gotta get up each morning and motivate the youth of New York to not be morbidly obese. Will somebody hurry up and make me famous already so I can quit this shit and move into a penthouse apartment overlooking Comerica. God damn I could do some serious damage with my finger on the pulse of the city like that.

But anyway the real reason I am writing this is cause the hammer has finally come down and the NCAA announced that Michigan did all the things that the Detroit Free Press claimed they did in regards to violating NCAA regulations. This has a lot of Wolverine faithful real worried and getting all defensive about the Freep taking up pitchforks and torches in a Rich Rod witch hunt.

I definitely will say that I think its weird that the Detroit media has a hard-on for digging up dirt on Rich, but what I won't do is sit here and nitpick over minor details that don't mean shit. The bottom line is that we broke rules and they got us. Yeah, other big schools do it too but for some reason they didn't get popped, we did. If we didn't want this to happen then we should've been more careful because we know better. No one cares whether or not is was a 8.5 or 9 hour practice day that pushed us over the edge. No one cares whether the workouts were voluntary or required. Nobody cares whether there were 4 or 5 coaches too many supervising workouts. The time to cry over that has passed. The matter of the fact is that Michigan violated rules that they knew existed. Rich can sit and say that he wasn't aware that he was breaking them but he was. And it is what it is. The first thing that should've happened after Rich was hired is that there should've been a sitdown between Bill Martin, Mary Sue and Rich Rod to go over this situation exactly. It should've been drilled into his head from day one that he better tread lightly because people smelled blood in the water during this coaching transition. And if you give them anything, absolutely anything than you're toast. And that's exactly what we did. We gave them a whiff and now we are knee deep in shit. I put this on Bill Martin because it ultimately falls on him. You hired a renegade as a coach and didn't keep an eye on him. Shame on you.

Where do we go from here? Well, I don't have an easy answer for that. I definitely wouldn't panic and fire Rich and the new AD, David Brandon, has said as much. I think we just take our lumps from the MSU and OSU slappys and move on. Yeah it is embarrassing that we weren't smarter than this but I'm more embarrassed by the Rich Rod Pity Party Pep Rally that he threw himself at the Michigan Theater last week. I mean who the fuck does that? Is this JV football where we need to paint our faces and pile a student section onto a school bus for away games? Like what the hell? This is the Big Ten we're talking about here. Nobody needs to hear Larry Foote and Rick Leach whisper sweet nothings into Rich's ear so he doesn't go home and kill himself. Fuckin amateur hour out there. But the real take away is this. Know that we're gonna hear it from everybody next year and if Rich fucks up on the field he is doneski. But you know what the perfect cure all for shit like this is...winning football games. There you go Rich, I told you I didn't have an easy answer for you but you better believe I have the right one.

PS - The Freep was advertising this shirt along with the news of the violations. I fuckin dare anyone to wear it right now.

Ay Caramba! Guillen To Be Announced As Full Time DH Today

Jim Leyland is expected to make an announcement later today to officially name Carlos Guillen as DH. Can't say I am surprised by this at all and once the Tigers started courting Damon it was basically a foregone conclusion that we had seen the last of Carlos roaming the field. And I'm kinda sad. Watching Guillen limp around with two bad hammies for the last few years has become a Tiger pastime. But taking on this role should help Guillen get healthy once again and dude still has plenty of pop left in his bat from both sides of the plate. He can also still be used at any position on the field in an emergency situation. Not to mention he has been "My Tiger" before people used to state who their Tiger was and he delivered one of the most memorable moments in recent Tiger's history with his walk off jack at 3:30 in the morning against the Yankees.

Will somebody please cue "Cool & The Gang" cause its time to Celebrate!



This song will forever be synonymous with Detroit sports success for me. I remember tuning the radio to 97.1 the ticket the day after the Lions beat the Skins for their first victory in over a year and they were just rocking out to this all morning. It was like we won the Superbowl. Loved every second of it.

Canadian Dude Celebrates Gold Medal In Style

This guy just slid head first down an ice luge that would make a sorority girl blush and on his way to the medal podium a fellow Canadian congratulates him with a full pitcher of micro brew. Now that's patriotism.

Todd Palin Aborts The Iron Dog

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Todd Palin, the husband of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, and his partner have pulled out of what is dubbed the world's longest snowmobile race. Todd Palin is a four-time winner of the 2,000-mile Iron Dog. The Anchorage Daily News says Palin's partner, Scott Davis of Soldotna, was injured about 30 miles beyond the Puntilla Lake checkpoint in the Alaska Range. The two were on their way back to the checkpoint. The extent of Davis' injury was not immediately known. The race from Big Lake to Nome and Fairbanks started Sunday with 29 two-man teams. Before the start, racers were bemoaning Alaska's warmer-than-usual temperatures. Veteran racer Tyson Johnson says trail conditions are not good, with dirt and no snow in some portions of the trail.

Turns out Sarah Palin is just an idiot magnet. She attracted the old-man-war-robot John McCain and now it is clear that her unemployed husband Todd has given up on the easiest race ever created. This thing isn't the Iditorod or the New York Marathon where you have to do a shit ton of work in a harsh climate. We're talking about a race where you get on a machine and press the gas pedal until you cross the finish line. And he quit. C'mon you can't quit, what do you think this is, the Alaskan Governorship?

And you know that Todd really wanted to blame this loss on global warming and the fact that there wasn't any snow in Alaska but that kinda contradicts the whole "global warming is a conspiracy" theory that the Palins have been running with.

If you can't tell, I know that global warming is real. Unlike Tits McGhee here.

Johnny "8 Mill For 1 Year" Damon

So we are obviously overpaying for Johnny in this situation but I still think this is an important move if we actually wanna compete next year for the Central. The one thing you can't do in the MLB is waiver between wanting to compete and wanting to rebuild. So I will be cheering for Johnny all year and don't really care if he fucks up cause if we didn't have him we would be straight fucked. As of now I think the Central is winnable and if Austin Jackson and the revamped pitching staff show up then who knows?

The biggest news about Damon signing with the Tigers is that his wife was adamant about not living in Detroit. Fuck her, I hope I see her at Chelie's Chili Bar so I can give her a piece of my mind. Probably in a bathroom stall if you know what I mean.



Damon's best quote from his presser...

"Let's hope the Chinese are right when they say this is the year of the tiger!"




Thanks for the quote The Boy

Down Goes Frasier! Down Goes Frasier!

Public transit fights are the best. You can never predict what is gonna go down. There is no prefight scouting where you can pick up on an opponent's tendencies and weaknesses. Like I had no idea what Santa Clause was bringing to the table. He was looking all scared and shaky at first so I thought for sure I was gonna see him get his ass beat down by this black dude who seemed to have a chip on his shoulder. But apparently all that shaking was just the old man turning into the Incredible Hulk cause once that dude got up in his face and made contact, shit was on. I haven't seen a beat down that bad since the Lions made the wildcard in 1995. Old man strength was in full force during this one and after that first left cross the black dude was straight leaking. What a flurry of shots too. That was fuckin impressive. I'm pretty sure he could handle Floyd Mayweather right now if this whole Manny Pacquaio fight never materializes. I'd lay down 49.99 to watch that shit tonight.

The two chicks taping this and chirping the whole time made this for me. The one never broke stride through this whole thing and just kept pounding her bag of swedish fish.

Will somebody get this guy an abulamce already. Jesus.



Thanks to Jhof for the clip

Kyle Vanden Bosch To The Lions?

Peter King of SI has reported that he would be suprised if Kyle Vanden Bosch wasn't a Detroit Lion a month from now. I for one am on board with bringing the Bosch to Detroit as long as Schwartz doesn't turn this into a Rod Marinelli type situation where he just stock piles washed-up has beens who used to play for him. Bosch has Probowl talent, 12 sacks two years ago and even though he has battled through injuries lately, I think he would be a major help to our less than impressive defensive line. I just dont want this to mean that we would consider drafting anyone but a defensive lineman with that number two overall pick.

USA! USA! USA!

This picture of the Big Boss Man laying the wood on The Mountie pretty much sums up what happened last night. The US just straight turnbuckled Canada with that loss and sent them into a worse case scenario where they will have to win a qualifying game just for a chance to play the Russians. Meanwhile the US picked up the number one spot guaranteeing themselves a few days off and the winner of the Switzerland vs Belarus game. Can you say fuckin cake walk into semis?

I also gotta point out that I love the way this US team is put together. It was a major risk dumping the grey beards of Mike Modano, Bill Guerin and Keith Tkachuk but it was obvious yesterday why the torch has been passed to the young guns. It seemed that the lack of experience on the American side almost seemed to help them as they didn't know they were supposed to be scared playing against the much more experienced Canadians. Ryan Miller showed poise and termendous grit in what was probably the best game of his young career.

Tiger's Dick Has Touched This Man Very Deeply

This guy is either making a play to be Tiger's new caddy or he is seriously concerned about Tiger's mother having to picture him dressed in bondage gear and screaming the safe word as he gets paddled by a porn star. Either way this is very painful to watch. All the action goes down in the first 20 seconds.

When Did John Daly Turn Into Brett Favre

New John

VS

Old John


Turns out John Daly is an underwear model these days. If he can turn it around like this than I guess there is still hope for me. Anyone wanna give me money to hawk their undies?

Wolverine Basketball You're Dead To Me

I'm fuckin pissed. They're making a mockery of my words. U understand that? Well u will. I try to give them a fuckin pep talk and not act like our future is as bleak as the past and that is the performance they give me? I wanna vomit right now.

Just a putrid day of long range shooting by the Wolverines let PSU make a run and tie shit up at half when they could've easily made a 5 or 6 point run once they were up a few and pretty much ended it in the first half. Instead PSU had to hire a dump truck to carry all their momentum into the half. That's when I knew my money was gone but I still held out a glimmer of fuckin hope that we could beat one of the worst teams in the big ten at home. Hellllllll nooooooo. Are u kidding me. This team is the worst. Talentless, mindless and gutless is a horrible way to go through a season. And I know people are gonna talk about their late push in the second half and the Manny steal and dunk to bring Michigan back in it late in the second half but that's just shit. Even a salmon flops around a few times after you club it on the head. The difference is that the smart ones never put themselves in that position by getting caught in the first place.

Fuckin Wolverines. I'm done with them. People wanna bitch and moan about how embarrassed they are about the football team, and don't get me wrong they fuckin suck too, but I want to hear some people start calling for Beilein's head to roll. Guy hasn't done shit that Tommy Amaker wouldn't have done if he didn't have to run a marathon with leg irons on. Just look at what he is doing at Harvard these days, dude is 18-6! Beilein has one tourney win in three seasons with all these over hyped clowns. For me it all comes down to the fact that they are undisciplined, inconsistent and completely incapable of running his system. You have a team philosophy that lives and dies by the three and you can't fuckin hit one to save your life. Well guess what John, if that's the case more times than not you're gonna die.

In closing, I will not watch another minute of this garbage nor will I invest another iota of my time or energy into covering their asses if they refuse to show up and even attempt to pass it off like they give a shit about winning. Cause they flat out don't. John doesn't cause he is up for sainthood and takes shits that don't stink, and the players absolutely don't cause they still get their hog smoked in West Quad win or lose. Yeah even Novak. So seriously where is the motivation? And NBA futures? Bahahahaha! Manny and his fade away front iron threes will find a real nice spot in the D league 3 point shooting contest. I'd like to give Sims a chance cause he works hard, but dude is undersized and lacks any real passion for the one thing in life that could make him special. I'm just done, totally done. I hope we win the NIT and John has to pretend like that is some type of actual accomplishment. That shit will be hilarious. See u next year Wolverine basketball and if anyone wants to write about them in the meantime then be my guest. Cause I got a two word review for their season. Shit sandwich.



I'm out.

They Call Him Johnny Mo, I Call Him Johnny Oh!

So the Lady Friend stole my computer and got some revenge. I gotta give it to her she pretty much nailed this. Mmase

Now, I love Lindsey Vonn as much as everyone but it's time to give all the ladies out there some eyes candy of their own and I found him. Introducing Johnny Mo.

John Morris, the bad boy of curling, first caught my eye during the Canada vs Great Britain curling battle. The more I learned about Johnny Mo the more I wanted him to be my Mountie. Not only do his biceps explode out of that awkward curling polo but this man is a firefighter in real life...that's hott. Here are some other sexy facts about our boy Johnny...

1 - After losing a match during the 2001 Olympic Trials he ripped off his shirt and threw it into the garbage.

2 - Teammates and friends say that Johnny is "hard to read" and everyone knows that women love a man of mystery.

3 - In a fit of rage Johnny snapped a broom stick in half after missing a shot.

What a man.

So I'm here watching this curling match, debating hopping on a plane to Vancouver to find the man of my dreams. To use my favorite Olympic term, this is a high risk-high reward situation. I could lose my favorite Detroit sports loving blogger but could end up with the Brock Martinez of curling. What's a girl do?




Lady Friend

Lindsey Relives Her First Time

"I just took the tip. I don't do that very often, unfortunately, so I'm disappointed that I did that. But I definitely gave it all I had and I'm not walking away disappointed cause all you can do is your best."
-Lindsey Vonn

That a girl Lindsey. I knew you were a tiger in the sack. I really love that you are open to trying things that you don't normally do and you give it all you have. Can we get this girl a Wheaties box already?



Thanks to Bmase for catching this and taping it like 12 times to make it look good

MMM...Bronze Is Harder Than Gold

NYdailynews - A snowboard bronze medalist from New Hampshire is kissing the Olympics goodbye after risque photos emerged of a girl kissing his medal hello. Halfpipe boarder Scotty Lago volunteered to leave the Vancouver Games amidst the sneers of Olympic officials reacting to photos of a girl kissing his medal - which was affixed to his pants and covering his crotch. There was a second photo of Lago holding the medal in his hand as the attractive young woman bit down on it as if to prove the authenticity of the bronze, while teammate Greg Bretz looked on.Men's halfpipe snowboarding is over and Lago was not set to compete again at these Winter Games.

Man I totally missed the boat on this whole snowboarding thing. I mean when I was like 12 and skiing my ass all over Ski Brule in northern Wisconson, I thought snowboarders were just Jinco wearing losers who would disappear like pogs did in the late 90's. Shit, turns out I was wrong. Apparently coming in third place gets you blown in public. Fuck my life. I knew buying those snowblades instead of that snowboard was a mistake.

Bucks Are My New Favorite Team

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Fuckin Stones lost another one last night 91-85 after blowing an early lead against the Milwaukee Bucks. In all seriousness I just assumed the Pistons would come out and roll over hoping for a belly rub, but it turns out the Stones hit their first 11 shots of the game and jumped out to an early lead. But even after going 12 for 15 in the first quarter they somehow only led by 6 points. This was mostly due to the fact that the Bucks are the new hotness of the Midwest and have amassed a sweet ass lineup that I just fuckin love. I had no idea that the lowly Bucks had picked up the greatest "chucker" of all time, Jerry Stackhouse and playboy, Carlos Delfino to go with their already sweet lineup of Jennings, Bogut, Redd and MSU alum Charlie Bell. I even really have a thing for John Salmons and his father time goatee. This team is looking pretty showtime these days and if they can just pick up Darko after the T-wolves release him, well then, I'm moving to Milwaukee and getting season tickets with Mike Shank.

PS - I am really starting to hate the indifference of John Kuester. He delivered this incredibly insightful post game comment to help Pistons fans make sense of it all.

"We made some big plays. We started off shooting the ball so well, and then when we went to our bench, it just stopped."

Yup, that pretty much sums it up John. Can we get a guy in here with a little passion for Christ's sake? I suggest Joe D should hire Coach Wilson cause he knows a thing or two about personal pride. No way in hell he would embarrass the program like John has. You gotta watch this whole thing. It starts slow but you won't ever want these four minutes of your life back. In fact i'm pretty sure you will waste many more four minute segments of your life on it in the future.

Don't Forget To Take Your Daily Dose Of Millen

This was one of the first Millen broadcasts that I remember seeing and after the Lions sent him packing. Check out the bottom local news ticker. Not only are the people of Detroit the most resilient in the world, they have a great sense of humor. Boom Roasted!

I also had this t-shirt sent to me the other day. I'm putting in an order for draft day. Let me know if you want in.







Thanks to Bmase, Andy and Mallard

Lucy Has Her Milkbones On U of M -8.5 @ Chrysler

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Michigan plays the utterly inept Penn State Nittany Lions tonight at Chrysler. If Michigan can't blow out Penn State at home then they should seriously consider dropping their basketball program all together. Day in and day out, teams exploit mismatches against weaker opponents but Michigan just doesn't ever seem to do it. Thats real noble work they do, just grinding out their rent money.

Even though I think this game is basically meaningless, the Wolverines will still show up and give fans a preview of what Big Ten games against shitty opponents should be like next year. Michigan takes this one down, book it.


The Pick: UofM -8.5

Stripper Sticks It To Duke Lacrosse

DURHAM - Mangum, 31, known as the accuser in the Duke lacrosse case, was arrested after police say she set her apartment on fire and tried to kill her boyfriend around midnight Wednesday while her three young children were in the home. She is in the Durham County jail in lieu of $1 million bail. Mangum is accused of scratching, punching and throwing things at her boyfriend, Milton Walker. She also took Walker's clothes, and with everyone still in the home, placed them in a bathtub and lit them on fire, according to arrest warrants. Light smoke was coming from the home when firefighters arrived. The fire was contained to the bathroom, and the apartment sustained heavy smoke damage. She faces charges of attempted first-degree murder, five counts of first-degree arson, three counts of misdemeanor child abuse, resisting arrest, identity theft, communicating threats, assault and battery, and injury to personal property. Her criminal past includes multiple driving infractions and a 2003 conviction for assault on a government official. She served 60 days in jail and two years' probation on the assault charge.

This chick from the Duke lacrosse rape scandal is fighting her way back into the news these days in a blaze of glory, pardon the pun. Turns out she went all Lisa Left Eye Lopez and lit her boyfriend's house on fire. I wonder how she is gonna spin this one? Probably gonna act like her kids were taking a bath in lighter fluid while smoking cigars and shit just kinda went up. Oops. Not my fault.

But on a side note, I'm gonna defend her on the murder charge. Throwing things at somebody doesn't constitute attempted murder unless they are tomahawks. If you wanna murder someone you unplug their carbon monoxide detector like a regular person. After that its just a matter of time.



Thanks to Motay for the tip