Reader Email - Caution, Gross as Fuck

from Chad VanKeuren
to B Mase
date Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 11:50 AM

Bmase,
Woke up this morning for work and this was on my futon. No idea who he is or where he came from. I later found out he was in town for some convention. Fucker got rowdy for a Monday night.



Damn, this is where I used to live. A lot has changed since I left. Then again that futon is about 6 feet away from where a homosexual rape took place some six months ago. I was also not involved in that. I'll save that story for a different day. Stay classy Milwaukee.

PS - This guy totally jerked it everywhere.

Weiner Dick Slaps Republican Peter King

Holy shit balls Anthony Weiner! That's how you open up a can of whoop ass all over the Senate floor. I half thought he was gonna start slamming Budweisers together and climbing all over the podium like Stone Cold Steve Austin in the middle of this rant. I mean that was intimidating as fuck. Next time I'm trying to get a point across and somebody starts interrupting my ass I'm coming back at them just like Weiner with "The gentleman will observe regular order! The gentleman will sit and observe regular order bitches!". There ain't no coming back from that. His only mistake was not opening with The Road Dogg Jesse James' "Oh, you didn't know? Your ass better call somebodyyyyyy!"

Somebody Slap A Muzzle On That Thing

Saw this critter running down the street while I was walking my dog Lucy and she made my pup look like fuckin Lassie. This thing had zero leash savvy and kept bolting to the end and clotheslining herself every two seconds. I mean c'mon, control your animal lady. Personally I think her mom needs to get a shock collar and Dog Whisper her ass, but that's just my opinion. If not this thing is gonna think she's running the show and it won't be long before she starts dropping deuces on the carpet and chewing all your shit.

PS - My mom totally used to threaten my ass with those bungee chord handcuff things whenver I started flipping my shit at the mall but I don't ever remember being slapped in a full on harness like this beast.

Why Is Rihanna Dating Jeff Kent?

Thehollywoodgossip.com - They were all but officially together, from everything we read and shared with you, but Rihanna still played coy about her relationship with baseball star Matt Kemp. Until now. "He's my boyfriend," Rihanna said of the L.A. Dodgers outfielder in a confession to Ryan Seacrest this morning, just hours after her performance on American Idol. "It's new and it's fun," she added. "It's nothing too serious. I don't want anything that's going to take up so much of my energy and time right now in a bad way." She'll be alright. At least this guy slugs home runs out of Dodger Stadium, rather than women. Try not to get too pi$$ed and start breaking stuff, Chris Brown. "I just want to have fun, and that's what it's about," she said.

I mean I kinda get it. Chicks love mustache rides and dudes who play for the Dodgers, but shit if Jeff Kent can land this kinda tail then BMOC is gonna be bringing Carrie Underwood home for Christmas.

Oh, wait, what? It's Matt Kemp not Jeff Kent. Ohhh, that makes more sense.

Morning Wood With Paris Hilton

I'm not really into Paris all that much but she's a fan favorite and you gotta keep asses in the seats. So have at it.

Stafford Is Such a Cool Guy

I feel like Seinfeld when Elaine was dating Keith Hernandez. I'm not sure who I'm more jealous of, him or her. Check out more photos here.

OHIO's finest

This dude was strutting his fat ass around a truck stop in Ohio when his poly-cotton blend decided that enough was fuckin enough. This poor shirt hung on for as long as he could but after a lifetime of strain the microfibers just had too much and decided that he'd rather be relegated to rag duty than help this lost cause any longer. Can't really blame him either, it's kinda like Barry just not showing up for training camp that one year.

A.O.L. - Denver, CO

I've been a god damn train wreck lately trying to get this move-in with the Lady Friend all finished up and unfortunately the thing that has suffered the most is poor Joeyblueskies. Rest assured though, once we get this shit all settled I'm gonna Rap Video all over the free world with all of these A.O.L's I got on deck. I'm rolling as deep as the '95 Wings over here and am gonna revolutionize the smut game. Case and point, Kimberlee from Denver just made it rain. Nothing much more to say. Booty is a dime. Score - 10.0


You're gonna give me an ass like this and give me a face shot too. Shhhhhit, Christmas come early for old Joeyblueskies. Photography score - 10.0

PS - This is our first perfect A.O.L. score in JBS history. Get out there and get after them asses while the weather is still hot. I'm giving out free shirts to anyone who hits another perfect score.

Great, Now We Have A Cabbage Patch Kid Playing Third

The Detroit Tigers today acquired infielder Jhonny Peralta and cash from the Cleveland Indians for minor league pitcher Geovanni Soto. Peralta hit .246 with 37 runs, 23 doubles, two triples, seven home runs and 43 RBIs in 91 games with the Indians this season. He was in the lineup for Cleveland’s game against the Yankees tonight but was pulled at about 6 p.m. Peralta likely will fill-in for Brandon Inge, the Tigers’ injured third baseman.

Does this mean the end of Brandon Inge? God I fuckin hope so.

Morning Wood With Brooklyn Decker

For about a month or so in high school when I was winning a few tennis matches I thought that I would end up on par with Andy Roddick in life. I seriously thought he would fizzly out and I would continue to get better at tennis or at least eventually invent something that would make chicks wanna bone me. Couldn't have been more wrong.







PS - Send your Morning Wood suggestions to Lamborghiniliving@gmail.com

Is This Video Real?

Madden NFL 11 at IGN.com

I lasted to the 2:08 mark. How did you guys fair? I was okay with the gatorade, lombardi trophy, parade, and white house. But when I saw virtual Stafford and virtual Obama with the jersey, my love juice spurted veciferously all over my keyboard.

Morning Wood With Katy Perry

I don't know what it is but that "California Girls" song has overtaken Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" as my favorite song of all time. Shit is just epic. Plus these fun bags are absolute nut busters. Enjoy.

O-H-I-Oh My God, They Just ReAdmitted Maurice Clarett

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Ohio State University says former football star Maurice Clarett has been granted re-entry to pursue his degree after he spent more than three years in prison.

Ohio State spokesman Jim Lynch says in a statement that Clarett started classes on Monday after he was readmitted by the College of Education and Human Ecology, where he was originally enrolled.

Clarett says in a statement that it is a "surreal feeling to be back at Ohio State" and that he doesn't want to be a "distraction or nuisance" to the football team or other students.

Clarett led the Buckeyes to the 2002 national championship in his only college season. He pleaded guilty in 2006 to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, and served 3½ years in a Toledo prison, where he took college-credit courses.

Traveling blows. In the past month I've driven from New York to Minneapolis, then Minneapolis to the UP, then the UP to Lansing, then Lansing to Chicago, then Chicago to the UP, then the UP to Detroit. And now Detroit to New York. Fuck, look that up on a map. I'm dizzy just thinking about it. And the worst part of it all is that I'm in Ohio right now, and nowhere near a computer. The blueskiers need to thank John Falls and BMOC for keeping stuff fresh while I journey back. Nice work fellas.

But as much as I'm sure you all wanna hear me verbally suck off John and BMOC, we got real shit to attend to. Turns out Ohio State heard I was still on semi vacation and wanted to try and slide this little bit of news about Maurice Clarett getting readmitted passed me. Fat chance buckeyes. You wanna throw your most famous mistake back into freshman English then be my guest, just don't expect me to not make jokes about him shanking his professor when he gets his grammar corrected. But why would OSU let him back in? Dude had other people taking his tests for him when the NCAA guard dogs were watching his every move, and now you think he's going do his own work when nobody's paying him any attention? I wouldn't be surprised to see him hand in an original short story entitled "Green Eggs and Bacon". If he ever did actually want to write something original though, he could always put out a "how to" guide about stealing car stereos or something.

Whatever though, if OSU wants to litter there campus with felons and let Clarett "rap video" freshmen chicks at house parties, that's their own business. I'd just be a little nervous if I were Sweater Vest cause after the way he took that National Championship and then threw Maurice under the bus he's gotta be the first name on his "guys to kill" list.

PS - "Rap Video" is my new favorite thing to do. It's brilliant because of its simplicity. The next time you're hanging out drinking, find someone just chillin and go over and pour your drink all over them in a celebratory fashion while yelling "rap video". Then watch people explode. Shit is going to take over this bullshit "bros icing bros" thing. Mark my word bitches.
Mmase

New Shipment of JBS Hats Have Arrived

Now I know how the guy who invented sliced bread feels. These hats are can't miss. Dudes look sweet in them, and chicks look smokin. My lady has one, does yours?

I Want To Eat The Shit Out Of Suh's Face

And I thought Fusilli Jerry was dope. If JBS ever makes it big, I'm having this guy make a Macaroni Mason for my bro. I'm just worried about it ending up in my ass.

Morning Wood with Emma Andersson

Introducing Emma Andersson, the girl Hank Zetterberg fucks inbetween scoring goals. And who most recently locked up a life time contract with the red wing centerman. The NHL is making a strong push for hottest wives of the four major sports. Just look at who we've scooped up in the last calendar year. Hilary Duff, Carrie Underwood, and now this semi-famous in Sweden smokeshow. If Ovechkin's face didn't look like my taint, he would have Kim Kardashian by now.

PS - How did Hank pull this off, I thought everytime Swedes come across a pretty girl they yell eins, zwei, drei" and try to push her down some ice. Shit, that's the Swiss, my b.

Tiger Beat: No Hit? More Like No Reason To Live

Tigers L, BIG TIME, 51-47, 3 GB of The Fucking White Sox

Leyland was thrown out of the game in the 3rd for arguing, but that wasn't the only reason he needed a cigarette last night. We got no hit yesterday. As in 0 fucking hits. All night. None. We had 5 rookies starting. Its like throwing a no hitter against the special ed class in high school. Scherzer pitched well, but after a walk, an error on Laird for catcher's interference, and another walk I kinda figured we were in trouble in the 6th. He struck out Carlos Pena and had a full count on Matt Joyce (yep, the Tigers' former prospect, Matt "I'm a P.O.S" Joyce, who we traded to TB for Edwin Jackson, who we subsequently traded to the Diamondbacks for Max Scherzer...) when he jacked a grand slam and that was that.Scherzer struck out 8, but what can you say, everyone gets no hit sometimes. You just got to roll with the punches and stay in this pennant race. Ugh. Being bitter is so much easier than being positive. Remember though, there's no crying in baseball...

Tiger Beat: Ruh-Roh Shaggy, We're In Some Serious S#!%

Tigers 51-45 Overall, 2 GB of Gutless Bastard White SoxWell, this certainly has been quite the week. After coming off a 7 game losing streak, we've lost our all star 3rd basemen, our all star right fielder, and our all star DL veteran/ second basemen. Shit. Here are three reasons its going to be tougher than you thought to be a Tiger's fan in the second half of the season:
1. Tigers' Injuries: Inge, Guillen, Magglio. Better known as defense, switch hitting, and offense. Mags went out this weekend after pulling the world's worst slide into home (He's lucky all he broke is his ankle, I saw a kid slide like that in high school once and almost tore his balls off). Mags was second on the team in HR, RBIs, and runs. Guillen, the 6 million dollar man (cus he constantly need to be repaired like a robot), strained his calf muscle so now he's out, and of course Inge still has a broken hand. Unless you're holding onto a Cabrera or Verlander jersey, you're basically out of luck... Has anyone seen my "Who's The Boesch?" t-shirt by the way? Its the only thing I can wear now...
2. Tigers' Cubs: 9 out of 25 guys on the Tigers roster are officially rookies... 12 out of 25 have spent time in Toledo this season (which trust me, I wouldn't wish that on anyone...). Larish and Rhymes are now in. Leyland says that Sizemore/ Kelly will continue to platoon at third base (with a little Rayburn thrown in for good measure), Rhymes will play 2nd base (again, Rayburn will also fill in) and Larish will play 1st/DH. "The one thing is that we will have a lot of energy," said Leyland. Good, you're going to need it. It takes a lot to get up off the ground as you're getting beat down continuously. Dombrowski pointed out that the already young Tigers have just gotten way younger, but thats why he brought in Damon right? Great, all our hopes ride with the Geico Caveman.

3. Pitching: What happened to Valverde? Dude is straight trippin'. Picked up a loss this weekend and almost blew another one the game before. We need our closers and starting pitching to step their shit up. The Tigers were rumored to be looking into Dan Haren from the Diamondbacks, but since he was just traded to Angels, he's out. Porcello, Scherzer, Bonderman, and Galaragga need to go deep into games to even give us a chance in the second half of the season.

So basically, get ready to cheer for an all new team for the next couple weeks. Although, I'm so frickin tired of watching Guillen hit into double plays, a change of pace may be just what we need...

A.O.L. - Tigers Fan

I don't know this chick one bit but I love her cause I can tell she is a "No Means Yes Girl". And any girl who lives by the code "no means yes & yes means anal" is alright with me. Score - 10.0

Besides a slight deduction because of the blurriness this shot is great. Get up in that shit Eric. Score - 9.0

Hank Gets A Ring, Just The Wrong One

I've been kinda knee deep in weddings these days and despite all the crab cakes and free booze, I've only really learned one thing. If you're gonna hunker down with one broad she better be the right one, cause marriage is some heavy shit. You can always have your boy's back, or love your mom's cooking, but when it comes down to it you wake up next to your wife. And if shit ain't right, life is gonna suck. So Hank, I hope this broad completes you because bitches this hot are usually huge bitches when they don't get their way.

PS - Apparently their rehearsal dinner was in a Where's Waldo book.



PSS - What's up with that hoss creepin in the top photo? Step away from the All-Star hunny, the buffet is inside.

Fat Bitch Complains About Her Thighs No Longer Touching

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Is this real life? I still feel like its a Friday and I'm on planet earth. But worlds are colliding with a story like this. Are we really supposed to believe this tank is upset that she was made attractive in a photo? Hey Crystal, this photographer just changed your area code from an 810 to a 919. I think you could show alittle bit of appreciation.

Lynda Was Here!!!!

SACRAMENTO (CBS13) ― Sacramento police say a trail of toilet paper led them straight to the home of a woman suspected of vandalizing a downtown business with spray-paint and rotten food and throwing toilet paper at another location.

After getting a report of someone throwing toilet paper in downtown Sacramento early this morning, police arrested 52-year-old Lynda Briney after following the tissue trail to her residence.

Zuda Yoga employees say Briney was turned away from a yoga class on Tuesday because she appeared to be "drunk or unbalanced".

Fuck yeah Lynda. This is how you take somebody down. This sets the precedence that businesses can't just turn us away because we are hammered. This is America damnit. So the next time someone tosses you out of a yoga class for being to drunk, you get in that ass like Lynda.

Morning Wood with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Smokeshows and wildlife, that's what BMOC does. This is Rosie, or as I like to call her Megan Fox2. I honestly have no idea who this girl is. Apparently she is a Victoria's Secret model gone actress, and I'm all for it. Because if she can make my dick move this much on a still shot, imagine what will happen when I see her move.