Tiger Beat: Breakdown of Miguel Cabrera arrest

So I thought this would be the perfect time to try out Tiger Beat: Breakdown. This is where I take a news story about the Tigers and just make comments in the actual text. So read on. Look for the italics. That's me.

Tigers first baseman Miguel (Big Swig) Cabrera was arrested in Florida Wednesday night on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and two counts of resisting an officer without violence (resisting an officer without violence? What did they do? Debate whether or not he was drunk?).

He was booked into the St. Lucie County Jail at 12:20 a.m. today and released at 7:45a.m. after posting $1,350 bond (Dave was locked up for like 48 hours for the same thing, with way less fuss). According to the police report, a deputy spotted a car Cabrera was driving, smoking on the side of Okeechobee Road in Ft. Pierce, about 100 miles southeast of spring training in Lakeland. Cabrera had an odor of alcohol coming from his breath and his eyes were bloodshot and watery and his speech heavily slurred (all subjective if you ask me. Has this officer ever met Miggy before hand? Dude looks like a walking case of jaundice...), according to the report.

In an arrest affidavit, deputies said Cabrera repeated “Do you know who I am, you don’t know anything about my problems (He was also dressed like a teenage Goth).” Cabrera then picked up a bottle of James Buchanan’s Scotch whiskey and started drinking (well the ship's already sinking at this point, so why not?), according to the report. When asked to get into a patrol vehicle, police say Cabrera used an expletive (Fucketyfuckfuck). Police say he didn’t comply with several orders to get into the patrol vehicle (Well, were they asking in spanish? Whenever I get super wasted, I can only understand spanish. I know its messed up). The arresting deputy said he lifted Cabrera’s left hand to gain pain compliance (pain compliance? oxymoron?) and Cabrera then “pushed off the vehicle into me,” according to the report (This is nonviolent right?).

In the portion of the police report titled “Psychophysical Evaluation,” the arresting officer, P. Lamborghini, checked the boxes marked “cocky,” “combative,” “argumentative” and “belligerent.”(Wish there was a box that said "awesome at picking up curve balls and knocking the shit out of them" or "really likes booze")

The deputy then delivered 3-4 knee spikes into Cabrera’s left thigh muscle (OK, HOLD UP! 3-4 Knee spikes? Does this cop have the authority to do that? Miguel is our ticket to the post season and we have to worry about hard ass cops taking him out for the year? Bullshit. Dudes a fat latino who's drunk. These dudes love to take naps. Put on a Mariachi CD and watch this dude go down for a siesta.).

Cabrera fell into the vehicle, according to police. He refused to submit to a breath test to check his alcohol content (first good decision), deputies said. The 2005 black Land Rover was towed, but has since been retrieved from the impound yard by Cabrera, police said. Deputies did not see anybody with Cabrera at the scene.

“Everybody is in shock. You've got to keep looking forward,” said Tigers second baseman Carlos Guillen, a fellow Venezuelan. (Instead of gassing up your boat Carlos, maybe you could put a leash on your countrymen and keep him the fuck out of trouble so we can get back to the world series.)

PS. They said since they knew the picture would be on every sports show and newscast from here to Tuscaloosa, they wanted Cabrera to smile so he didn't have a "Nick Nolte or James Brown" type moment. With Mike Vick turning his life around, Soceity is looking for a new superstar to hate and Miguel just moved up to the top of the list. Smile or no smile.