Breaking News: Cabrera was Drunk Driving and Almost Hit Somebody!!

A truck driver called 911 the night Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence to report a black Range Rover driving all over the road. “He just about to hit somebody head-on,” the trucker told the dispatch operator. “He’s just driving all across the lanes.”

I must say I was pretty dissapointed when I read this. How is this news? Look at the details that have slowly leaked over the past few months. Cabrera greets cops standing by his smoking car, talks shit to cops, chugs whiskey in their face, claims he will kill a mysterious person, plays the do you know who I am card, takes a knee to the thigh and ends up in cop car. We'll call this story C.

We then find out earlier that night, that he's waving guns around restaurants and threatening to blow up establishments because they won't serve up a t-bone steak. We'll call this story A.

We will call today's "headline" story B. Was this really necessary? You don't need to ask your girl how she got from your butthole to your balls so fast. It involves the merging mess that is the ABC (ass ball connecter), it goes without saying.