Time For Some Pure Michigan, Bitches!

So as you may have noticed I've kinda sucked lately and you have every right to be down on JBS.com these days. It's was the last week of school and I've been busy kicking kids out the front door so I can get started on my summer vacation. Now that they're gone I'll be traveling to Minnesota for Pat R.N's wedding and then I'm off to the U.P. for a week of binge drinking and beer Olympics on Linbeck Lake. If you're gonna be up north hit me up and if not then visit barstoolsports.com for your daily dose of sports/smut humor. I've been talking with El Prez over there about joining his blogging juggernaut and once I get back to civilization around the middle of July I'm gonna ditch this independent shit and join the power conference he's putting together. As always, continue to send me stuff you think might be of interest to our readers and I'll stock pile it so that I can kick you right in the nuts when I get back. Until then, enjoy that Detroit weather and go Tigers.

PS - Lets catch up on what's been going on in the D over the last few days...


> Lions President, Tom Lewand blew a flippin .21!


Not sure how you stand up once you hit a .21 let alone drive a car, but after watching the full video of his field sobriety test I gotta give him props. Other than the fact that he reeked like the inside of a Old Crow bottle, I think he did a pretty damn good job handling the pressure. Lets me real here, there is no way Millen passes these tests stone cold sober. I even had a similar run-in a few years back and my performance in front of the boys in blue was on par with Orvlovsky running outta the back of the endzone for a safety. And let's not forget I was only about half in the bag as Tommy Boy here.




>Zumaya's arm explodes playing Wii Baseball, I mean real baseball.


Here we fuckin go again. After missing most of 2009 because of a mysterious shoulder injury and 3 games of the '06 ALCS because of an injury sustained while playing Guitar Hero, Tiger fans are forced to go through another stretch run without the services of their set up man. Totallyfuckinbelievable. But there's no use crying over blown out elbows and it's time for the Tigers to either teach Ryan Perry how to pitch or go out and get a reliever. There aren't many out their so the Tigers need to act fast if they don't wanna end up getting Kyle Farnsworth back.


>Tigers trying out new strategy of only winning 1 outta 3.



It ain't going well.

PSS - To keep people checking the site I'm gonna be giving away sweet shit periodically. Be first to answer trivia questions and you win.

Love, JBS

A.O.L. - Kevin Youkilis' Wife?

So I'm standing in line at the U Haul rental place this weekend just minding my own business and then all of a sudden I look up and realize that Kevin Youkilis and his extremely below average looking wife are standing in front of me waiting for their truck. Initially I doubted the legitimacy of the sighting cause what the hell would Kevin Youkilis being doing renting a U Haul in New York City. But as I ran through my Youk validation checklist all systems were go.

Carhart jean shorts, check.

Oakleys from '92, check.

Tank top tucked into jean shorts, check.

Ankle socks in 100 heat, check.

Bald ass head and disgusting goatee combo, check.

I even threw his ass to the ground and put him in a headlock just to be 100% sure it was him, check.


And sure as shit everything checked out. Once I was sure it was him I busted out my camera to get a shot before he sped away. It's not the best but when he flanked around the U Haul to get in on the drivers side, his woman must have recognized me, cause she posed for the most overt A.O.L. shot I've ever seen. She was practically beggin me to take the picture. "Here's my ass JBS, show the world". Who am I to disappoint. I just wish she was a dime piece and not some hoss. But once you mix in the celebrity factor you still gotta consider it news worthy.

The ass gets a straight 3, no more, no less. I won't say it's all her fault cause skirts like this suck and do nothing for guys wanting to jump your bones. But she was the one who chose to wear it and is ultimately responsible for me making fun of her. I mean c'mon, it's like curtains for her ass. Score - 3.0

I'm not normally one to toot my own horn, but beep, beep. These pictures are the jam. Not only did I get a shot of a fat bottom girl bent over climbing into a truck, I also got the visual proof that Youkilis is banging this slampig. Score - 8.0

Edwin Says, "No Soup For You!"

I don't know what it was, might have been the twelver of Bud Heavys I threw back or might have just been pent up emotion pouring out from the Galarraga perfecto but for some reason I was really into Edwin getting this no-no. Even though he walked 8 guys in the process, I just felt so good for him. I was even happy for Dontrelle being there to witness it. I haven't seen him smiling like that in awhile. So congrats to Edwin and It's great to see Dontrelle is back on his meds.

USA Limps Home From World Cup With A Bad Case Of Ghanaria

I don't know jack about soccer but in a sport where you rarely score more than one goal, I think it's a pretty bad idea to spot the other team one in the first 5 minutes. Just a thought. It also seems to me that their coach Bradley should probably be canned too. This is essentially the same team that beat Spain and then almost took down Brazil in the Confederations Cup about a year ago and now they can't keep any team off the scoreboard in the first 15 minutes of the game. I say it's time to stop fuckin around and bring in Alexi Lalas to return US soccer to glory. I'm pretty sure he has to be immune to gonorrhea by now.

How The Hell Didn't I Think Of This Backyard Beer Machine First?

How much do I suck at life? I mean the only two things I think about these days are beer and crazy ways to make money, that's it. But somehow I still completely overlooked this backyard brews idea? How is that possible? This thing is genius in its' simplicity. I should've had this going the entire time I was in college, probably could've payed my way through UofM with this scam. It's just so simple. Beers at all hours of the night are what people want and this is the best way to give it to them. Plus you don't have to pay someone to sit there and hand these things out. Just buy the machine and put it out back. Done and done.

But I guess the one hang up with this thing is that you have to deal with asshole reporters like Casey Norton who think they are changing the world by shutting down your backyard bodega. You can just cool it with the whole to catch a predator investigation you're tyring to run here Casey. This old guy is just trying to make a few extra bucks slinging Steel Reserve and you're acting like he's fuckin Hitler or something. This is probably the most un-American reporting I've ever seen.

The New Bash Brothers - Boesch and Cabrera

Boesch is Mark Maguire without the steriods, Cabrera is Jose Canseco with a brain. And they're downright scary for other teams to deal with these days. Boesch has homered in 7 straight series and will probably run away with the American League rookie of the year if these numbers stay anywhere near what they are now. Cabrera will lead the majors in RBIs at seasons end and if the rest of the team can keep up it should be fun to watch them down the stretch. All I ask is that we finish it in 162 games this year. The old ticker can't take another game 163.

After salvaging a win in the finaly against the Braves last night, a game in which Jackson, Guillen, and Laird all miraculously had three hits, the Tigers kick off a huge series tonight against the Twins. They're trying to avenge the brooming they took last time against Minnesota. We go into this one .5 back on the Twins who have been struggling pretty bad the last week or so.

Lions President Tom Lewand Arrested For DUI Suspicion. I think It's Time To Bust Out The "Hire Millen" Signs Again

ESPN.com - Detroit Lions president Tom Lewand is apologizing after he was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving while at a charity golf tournament in northern Michigan. Lewand said in a statement Saturday night that he is "deeply sorry" for his actions and takes full responsibility. Team spokesman Matt Barnhart confirmed Sunday that Lewand was arrested and released Friday night. Lewand was attending a charity golf event in Houghton Lake, about 150 miles northwest of Detroit. Without providing details, Lewand says he's "a person in active recovery" and "committed to taking all necessary steps to ensure nothing like this ever happens again." Roscommon County sheriff's officials would neither confirm nor deny the incident.

Wow, not a good weekend for Tom Lewand. Besides getting arrested for DUI suspicion, he shot a 91 on the back nine. Man rough, talk about piling it on. But I think we should try and look at this in a positive light. Ignoring the whole, "he could've killed somebody aspect" I think this is actually an uplifting story. I mean this DUI is just one more thing Tom and I have in common and who knows, maybe someday I can rise to the ranks of Detroit Lions President. If having a drinking problem is a prerequisite when applying for a job with the Lions then I think I'm in and maybe, just maybe I'll someday be running the Lions into the ground too.

PS - Could be worse, at least he's not Joe Cullen.


For all those who don't dedicate their entire lives to Detroit Lion gossip, Joe was our D-line coach who was arrested for DUI while driving naked through a Wendy's drive through. And once Jon Kitna starts ripping on you then you know your career is over.

Can Someone Tell Me Why Instant Replay Is So Fuckin Taboo?

I know nobody in the US is watching the World Cup today because we've been eliminated and won't give a shit about "futbol" for the next 4 years, but this is getting outta control. It's fuckin unbelievable how bad these refs are shitting the bed out there today. An obvious English goal was disallowed earlier today against Germany that would've tied the match and now in this Argentina/Mexico match they just blew an offsides call by about 3 feet that resulted in an Argentinian goal. Christ, Jim Joyce should've just gone to work for FIFA, he'd fit right in and would totally be used to the death threats by now.


For once the rest of the sporting world should take a note from the NHL who has successfully used instant replay to govern it's sport for the past 15 or so years.

In the National Hockey League, goals may only be reviewed in the following situations:
puck crossing the goal line completely
puck in the net prior to end of period
puck in the net prior to goal frame being dislodged
puck being directed into the net by hand or foot
puck in the net after deflecting directly off an official
puck deflected into the goal by the high stick by an attacking player

The review may only be initiated by the on-ice referees or by the video replay judge; neither team can initiate a review. Such a review must take place immediately (if play is stopped) or at the next stoppage in play (if play continues). In the Winter Olympics ice hockey tournament, all goals scored are automatically reviewed to ensure they were legitimate. The NHL also reviews all goals. In addition to goals scored, many plays in the NHL are monitored in "the war room" at the NHL league office in Toronto by head replay official (and former Winnipeg Jet) Kris King and his assistants, who can contact replay judges at games (usually high-level local referees) and ask them to review the plays, or to mete out punishments to players for illegal on-ice actions that were not noticed by the on-ice officials.

And all this instant replay hasn't ruined hockey, in fact it's made it way better. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I've been upset about a goal or non goal that I thought they got wrong. They just don't get it wrong because the NHL has embraced the technology instead of shunning it. It's about time the rest of the world gets with the fuckin program and cleans up their act cause this shit is getting embarrassing.

PS - I know that Jim Joyce logo made you wet. My bro Kyle drew it and it's gonna be our first t-shirt once I get my shit together, so start saving your money cause there isn't a Detroit sports fan that wouldn't want to find this sitting under the Christmas tree come December.

PSS - Shit is copyrighted so don't get any ideas about stealing it. Otherwise I'm gonna have Papa Mason unleash his legal fury on your ass until I own your vacation home in Traverse City.

Did Anyone Notice That Manny Harris Plays For Ghana?

I'm thinking that when Manny Harris didn't get drafted he used his Ghanaian roots to snag a spot on their World Cup team. Just a shame he scored more for them then he did for U of M.

PS -It's a total shot in the dark that his family is from Ghana but it makes for a much better story. The most likely scenario is that one of them became a child soldier and ended up playing soccer instead of banging chicks in the BOX house bathroom in Ann Arbor.

Just When You Thought Being A Blackhawks Fan Couldn't Get Any Gayer

Detroit News - The Stanley Cup, which has been on more adventures than perhaps any other piece of championship hardware, will make its first appearance in a gay-themed event this weekend. According to the Hockey Hall of Fame’s Phil Pritchard, it will mark the first time the NHL’s championship trophy has been on display at a gay-themed event. “We are thrilled that it worked out, as it’s important for the city and important for the franchise,” Blackhawks spokesman Adam Rogowin said. Defenseman Brent Sopel and his wife, Kelly, will accompany the Cup on a float in the parade.

Just when you thought Chicago couldn't get any gayer they go and do something like this, and totally re-gay themselves. It's embarrassing enough to have Toews and Kane, two Abercrombie models, running the show for your team but then they feel the need to gay things up a little more by bringing Lord Stanley to their gay pride parade. This is sacrilegious in my book. I love the gays as much as the next guy, but you can't tell me a single gay dude loves hockey and wants to see the Stanley Cup paraded around between floats full of fairies and rainbows. Just doesn't make sense. If the Hawks wanted to bring the cup to a gay event they should've just brought it to Wrigley. Either way I'm embarrassed for them and for the NHL in general. All I know is you wouldn't see the Wings taking the cup to the Out Bar in Ann Arbor after they won that shit. I can't wait for next year when Detroit is outta this recession and Illitch has the money to spend on veteran defensemen at the trading deadline. Cause when that happens I don't care if you have Bmase in the net, the Wings will win another cup. Book it.



PS - Good move by Brent Sopel to bring his wife along to this event. Wouldn't want some Hawk to get drunk and end up going down on a bunch of dudes behind a deep dish pizza joint.

This Shit Is Getting Old, I'm Tired Of Lion On Lion Crime

The Lions ended their three-day minicamp in Allen Park on a low note with two fights that ended today’s practice early.

The Lions forfeited their final two organized team activities this week because they violated off-season workout rules "pertaining to the intensity and tempo of drills” during OTAs, according to a joint statement by the NFL and players’ union.

“Yeah, that was too intense,” coach Jim Schwartz said. “We had situation come up before in OTAs and we sort of laughed about that you can’t fine the players. But guess what. There’s going to be a lot of fines from today. It’s not acceptable what happened. We weren’t able to finish a period.

“It’s going to get hot, you’re going to get at the end of practice, you’re going to have things that come up, but when you can’t finish practice and when you have guys entering fights that aren’t involved in it, it’s unacceptable. And they’re going to get taxed pretty heavy for this.”


This is the kinda stuff that would be cool if I knew the Lions weren't going to go 4-12 this year. But its the same old shit every year. We even had Jonathan Wade gurantee the playoffs and 9 wins this year. Who the fuck are you? I'm pretty sure he was benched by the Rams, the one team arguably worse than the lions. We even got Delmas calling him a shut down corner. I'm still going to get more blackout than home games in the local Detroit area, but it's not going to change how painful this year will be.

Jo-se, JoseJose, Jo-se, Jo-seee!!!

Just another day for a former Weber State lineman. Some things don't change. Unless of course you're Cheese and you get super sexy and bang yoga instructors. Then things have changed.

PS - That mountain behind the girl is Jose.

PSS - I'm pretty sure this picture originated when BMOC brought two chicks home from the bar during M & T Weekend and he made one of them sleep next to Jose. Her only request was, "You better not touch me.".

Jose replied, "Honey, you're in my bed.". That's when she passed out knowing damn well what she had coming her way.

Game, Set, Match

Introducing Rob-a-car Cissoko

Ann Arbor -- Boubacar Cissoko, once perceived as the cornerback who would help solidify the Michigan defense, faces a maximum of 45 years in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to four robbery charges in Washtenaw County Circuit Court.

"I had a pellet gun, when he pulled up in the back of the building," Cissoko, 22, testified about robbing a taxicab driver April 18 in Ann Arbor. "I put the gun in his face.

"I looked at his face. He was really scared," he testified, about deciding to abort the robbery. "Then, I left on my own free will."

Charged originally with attempting to rob the driver while armed, Cissoko pled guilty to a lesser charge of assault with intent to rob, which carries a 15-year sentence. He also admitted three charges of larceny from a person. Cissoko testified that he lured pizza and sandwich delivery men to his door in Ann Arbor March 13 and snatched wads of cash from their hands, as they made change for his purchase. The third larceny occurred in Ypsilanti, when Cissoko snatched cash from another cabbie.

The admitted crime spree began five months after coach Rich Rodriguez dismissed him from the team in October for twice violating team rules.

Cissoko was but a few miles from Michigan Stadium on Wednesday, in the Washtenaw County Courthouse. But it might as well have been in another world. Handcuffed, feet shackled and wearing a green prisoner's jump suit, he spent several minutes before the hearing slumping at the defense table, his hands folded before his face, thumbs set along the sides of his nose, with the tips resting against his eyes. He was alone in the courtroom, except for his public defender.

"I was going through a tough time, and what I did was bad," Cissoko testified.

Born in Ghana, Cissoko graduated from Cass Tech in Detroit ranked as high as third in the nation at his position. But he has been in jail in lieu of $70,000 bail since April 18, when police arrested him.

While he faces 45 years, Cissoko's term is likely to be considerably less. Defendants routinely serve such sentences simultaneously, rather than consecutively -- especially when they plead guilty. Circuit Judge Archie Brown will sentence Cissoko Aug. 10.

Michigan recruited Cissoko in 2007, under former coach Lloyd Carr.

The team violations were never disclosed, but people who know Cissoko said he repeatedly missed classes, workouts and study sessions.

"On and off the field, there are certain rules they have to follow, and players understand that," Rodriguez said in October. "It's never pleasant to have to do this, but as I told the team, all I do is enforce the decisions they make."


I'm going to cut Boubacar some slack here. I mean he never really reached the top? This isn't exactly Charles Woodson holding up Jet's Pizza. He was the shittiest starting corner on the shittiest team in UofM history. That's like be okay at Eastern Michigan. And I see okay players at Eastern pull this shit everyday. And the way these Jimmy John drivers faunt their cash, their begging you to snatch that shit. I'm 185 lbs of pure love handles and I have to stop myself everytime from gloving saving that cash right out their hands and telling them skinny emos to fuck off. If I was Boubacar, I would be doing that shit on the reg. Sucks for him that he's going to have to watch his homeland Ghana get shit pumped by USA tomorrow. Can't imagine that will be an easy day for his asshole in the slammer.

Another reason why I feel for this guy, I've had a similiar fall from grace myself. In 8th grade I was voted most popular male. I was rocking cargo khakis, knit sweaters, hemp necklaces, gel'n my hair, and grabbing ass like whoa at every school dance. My favorite song was Celine Dion "my heart will go one" cause they played that shit twice a dance and it was a given your hands went straight to ass on the first note. KC and Jojo was the only artist that could make that happen. I had a new girlfriend every 2 weeks and once successfully traded girlfriends with my boy Scott Miller. For you Memominee folks, it was melissa beaudo for aina hendrickson straight ask. I'll let you decide you got the better end of that deal.

4 years later I was a senior in highschool. I wore mesh shorts and one pair of jeans all year. I had a mullet as a joke and kept it all year long. I got zero ass and begged girls to give me blowjobs on msn messenger. I woo'd the shit out of chelsea liberty tho, but shit the bed when i wasn't behind my keyboard. So I know what your going through Boubacar. Your jail time won't be that bad, and when you get out, I'm pretty sure YpsiArbor Lanes is hiring. You'll be back on top before you know it. Look at me, telemarketing and blogging...sometime's you just gotta say what the fuck.

Let's Try This Again

"Here is what it think of the lottery... It's like, when you play the lottery, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose... But it's better than using drugs or alcohol - Because when you use drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose." - Mike Schank

The NBA draft is tonight. The Pistons are back in the lottery and I really don't give a shit. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the time and the emotion I invest into the Lions draft every year. Maybe it's because I still believe Darko is the shit and Larry Brown turned him into a freak show. But I got nothing left. The truth is, I can honestly say I spent more time watching youjizz this past season than I did Piston basketball. But I am not ready to quit on the Stones or the NBA in general. The obvious fan choice is Demarcus Cousins, and I'm on board. He's big, scary, and showtime as fuck. I think John Thompson said it best, there's too many butterflies in the NBA and not enough bulls. I would compare him to Achilles in the Movie Troy, you don't need to control him, you need to unleash him. If we don't get him....It's back to drugs and alcohol. I haven't lost yet.



MMase's take on tonight's draft...
Who's excited as fuck about the NBA draft tonight!? C'mon, nobody? What the hell, why doesn't anyone give a shit about Pistons basketball anymore. We're only a few years removed from our near dynasty and now nobody even talks about them in this town. Well tonight's the night that all changes, or at least I hope. I want the Pistons to deal Tayshaun and move up for Cousins if the deal is possible but if not they should stay put and hope that Udoh is there for them at 7. Would've been real sweet to somehow get Evan Turner but on a team loaded with guards I don't see that happening, nor should it. I just hope Joe gets this right cause his legacy in the front office depends on it. I'm gonna be out at the Tigers/Mets again tonight but someone better tweet that shit so I know who the Stones took.

Why Are The Bats Dead?

Mets 14, Tigers 6
Mets 5, Tigers 0

1.5 back of the Twins


So I went to that fuckin gong show of a game on Tuesday night against the Mets and decided that last night I should probably just sit at home and see what happens if I'm not there to jinx their ass. And shit seemed to start out fine enough, Bondo had his stuff and was making pitches when he needed to. There just weren't any bats. Dickey dicked the Tigers with his knuckle ball all night long and made even the Mighty Mighty Boeschtone look silly. (You like that? I just came up with it)He was throwing a hard and a soft variety of knuckler that had the Tigers completely guessing. I honestly thought Cabrera was gonna figure one of them out and just launch it over the Van Wyck Expressway but it never happened. Now we're left standing here holding our dicks, hoping that the Twins keep losing as much we do. Tonight better be different cause we got a shit ton of people going to the game and I'm gonna get belligerent if we aren't up 8 on the Mets early. We're in the first row of the upper deck, look for me, I'll be the one falling over the railing.

E.T. Phones Home For Another Selke

Last night Pavel was awarded the Selke trophy for the third consecutive year as the NHL's best defensive forward. No big surprise there. This is basically a trophy for the hardest working guy in the NHL and in addition to being a workhorse, Pavel has some type of uncanny ability to strip the puck from people even though they know he's right there. Guy is a wizard, or at least an extraterrestrial. Look at that fuckin melon.

Drunk Guy Floats Out Into Oil Spill

The U.S. Coast Guard on Wednesday afternoon rescued a man on a pool float who had drifted about a mile out into the gulf. The man, identified as Jerry Whipple, is "suspected of being extremely inebriated," said Petty Officer First Class Mariana O'Leary. "Depending on what the tides and currents are doing, he could have never been seen again." According to the Coast Guard spokeswoman, a Good Samaritan who was on his 22-foot recreational boat called in to report an unconscious man floating well offshore. When officials with the Coast Guard and a Clearwater Fire Rescue unit arrived about 12:20 p.m., they found the man unconscious on the float. He was wearing a life jacket. He later regained consciousness and was taken to paramedics waiting at Coast Guard Station Sand Key.

Dude is gonna have a brutal life jacket tan. Anyway, this has to be one of the best ways to go out. Just get totally lit all morning long, lay back and float off into the sunset. Too bad this pussy good Samaritan had to come outta nowhere and ruin the whole thing. If I came across this guy I would've just given him a Sparks and pushed him further out to sea.

If A Marathon Had A Baby With A Heavy Weight Fight It Would Be Named Isner vs Mahut

Since we’re knee deep in soccer, a sport that nobody cares about, we might as well talk about some tennis too. John Isner and Nicolas Mahut have just had their Wimbeldon match postponed for the second day in a row because of darkness after it continued on for 9 hours and 58 minutes. Yeah, you heard me right, 9 hours and 58 fuckin minutes. For a tennis match. You know how much ice cream Castanza would’ve spilled all over himself during this thing? I played tennis in high school and I don’t think I ever made it through an hour of tennis before I got distracted and started scanning the crowd for slutty milfs. My game usually totally took a nose dive after that. As much as these two guys are complete nobodys it’s still intriguing. It’s kinda like if you were watching El Prez and me battle back and forth with “that’s what she saids” for 10 hours. Straight epic.
Random notes from the match…

>Score
Mahut – 4 6 7 6 59
Isner - 6 3 6 7 59

>Match Length Thus Far - 9 hours and 58 minutes

>Previous Wimbeldon Record For Entire Match Length - 6 hours and 33 minutes

>Isner & Mahut 5th Set Length – 7 hours

Shit is stupid, could you imagine two hockey teams going to bed and coming back the next day to finish it off? Bushleague.

PS – Isner is 6′9″ why is he playing tennis? Dude must’ve not been able to hit a 12 foot jumpshot.

Shocker – Kobe’s Wife Hates Khloe Kardasian

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I Bet Homeless Chicks Are Hungry In The Sack

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C., June 22 (UPI) — Police in South Carolina said a man allegedly stabbed his roommate during an argument about how loud he was being during sex with a homeless woman. Investigators said the 58-year-old victim told them he had returned to his Myrtle Beach home to find his roommate, Russell Willis Shepherd Jr., 40, having loud sex with a homeless woman, the Myrtle Beach (S.C.) Sun News reported Tuesday. The victim told police he waited outside of the apartment for a time before entering and confronting Shepherd. He said an argument broke out and Shepherd stabbed him in the hand. Shepherd was arrested and charged with second-degree assault and battery.

After pouring my heart out about how much I’m gonna miss my roommates in the last post, the one good thing is now I won’t have to put up with them banging the shit outta homeless sluts all night long anymore. It’s been a bit frustrating having to push my way through the soup kitchen line that flows outta John Falls bedroom on my to the bathroom to brush my teeth each night and their can collections are taking up half the living room. It’s like we live in a god damn shanty town. But they always say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So if any homeless hotties read barstool and are hiv free, then I’m down to get a taste of the streets.

It’s Time To Kiss Bachelor Life Goodbye

After 5 years with the Lady Friend I guess I shouldn’t really consider myself a bachelor. I mean I go to her friends’ engagement parties, I watch her students’ performances, and basically do anything else required of me that keeps me in her good graces. But through it all I’ve maintained a separate residence and been able to hang out with my boys pretty much whenever I want. It’s been critical in the blossoming of our relationship and has got us to the point where we’re ready to move in and do this thing for real. But when I think about what I’ll miss most about living with 3 degenerates, it’s coming home and finding shit like this on the kitchen stove.

Charlie Violenceagainstwomenueva

Freep.com – The Toronto Star is reporting that Detroit Pistons forward Charlie Villanueva faces a charge of domestic assault after a May 19 incident in Burlington, Ontario. The newspaper reported that the 25-year-old Villanueva was released by Halton Regional Police on a promise to appear in court on July 9. The name of complainant and other details about the incident weren’t available Tuesday. His lawyer, Owen Wigderson, told the Toronto Star that Villanueva, “denies all allegations of wrongdoing and I’m very confident that he’ll be exonerated.” Villanueva has played five NBA seasons with three teams since being drafted in the first round by the Toronto Raptors. Last season was his first with Detroit. He signed with the Pistons as a free agent after three seasons with Milwaukee.

I think it’s fair to say that Charlie Villanueva is the worst free agent acquisition in Detroit history. I mean you could say that Gary Sheffield is in the running, but Charlie’s lack of desire, sub par skill set, and his anti-showtime factor are the perfect storm of douchebaggery. And now it turns out he beats chicks too. Nice work Joe D, give me fuckin Darko back instead of this clown. The only other real contender for the title of worst Detroit free-agent would be Bill Schroeder but he won’t win it cause we all know, speed kills.

Dino Enshrined In The Hall

Dino Ciccarelli is an absolute legend of the game. He made his living as a garbage man in front of the net cleaning up everyone else’s shit that they were too lazy to clean up themselves. He managed an astonishing 608 goals and 592 assists in his 19 year playing career. He’s 16th on the all-time goal scorers list and is ahead of NHL greats like Teemu Selanni, Jari Kurri, Mike Bossy, Mats Sundin, Mike Modano, Maurice Richard, and Jeremy Roenick to name a few. Dispite all his grand achievements, Dino will still be remembered in Detroit as the guy who missed out on all the hardware. He was a major part of the ‘95 Wings team which most would consider their most talented team ever assembled. After that team was swept by the Devils he was traded to Tampa Bay during the off season. The next year the Wings went on to win their first cup in a run of four. Even so, he’ll still always be thought of in the same breath as Yzerman, Shannahan, Lidstrom, Federov and the rest, and it’s great to see him get his due induction into the NHL hall of fame.
PS – Best Dino moment of all time came after the Claude Lemieux hit on Kris Draper, when in a post game interview he was overcome with emotion and uttered the famous line “I can’t believe I shook his freakin’ hand!”. That single line set the tone for the most blood-fueled rivalry in all of sports history.

Yoosta Be A Yooper: Who All Seen Da Cougar, Say Ya!

A trail cam picture snapped in late May appears to show a cougar on the move in Menominee County — the latest to be discovered in the Upper Peninsula. For decades, the presence of cougars in Michigan has been hotly contested. But in the last century, state wildlife officials have confirmed the presence of cougars only six times — now seven — all in the Upper Peninsula. Those confirmations have all taken place within the last two-and-a-half years. The latest appearance was in an area near Wallace near the Wisconsin border. A trail cam picture taken May 26 shows the body of a cougar moving out of view to the left. The animal’s head cannot be seen and they are considered an endangered speciesin the state.


Being a teacher has one perk and one perk only, and that’s summer vacation. Unfortunately mine is about to suck because of a 400 lb predatory cat that is stalking the woods outside of my Old Man’s cottage in Wallace, Michigan. Like what are the fucking chances of that? Only been 7 cougar sightings in Michigan over the last 100 years and 2 weeks before I’m about to throw the bash of the century out at the lake, there’s one spotted a few miles away. Totallyfuckinbelievable. Party goers are gonna have to stay in a pretty fuckin tight knit formation if they don’t wanna get picked off the side of the herd. I’m already chalking up my dog Lucy as a loss for the trip. If they sold cougar bait she’d be it. Dumb as rocks, terrible sense of direction, and a gimpy leg. In fact, since I know she’s gonna get devoured sometime during the week I might just chain her up outside of the camp at night like that goat in the T-rex cage from Jurassic Park. When the cougar comes creapin out to pounce on her I’m gonna blow that pussy away. Cougar steaks, anybody?

Obama Is Probably Gonna Ignore This Beer Spill Too

Chicagobreakingnews.com – A semi-trailer truck carrying cases of Miller Lite rolled over on the Edens Expressway this morning, temporarily blocking all inbound lanes, officials said. The truck struck a guardrail and a concrete bridge support before rolling over at about 3:15 a.m. near the Foster Avenue exit, scattering the cans of beer, according to Illinois State Police. The driver suffered minor injuries and was taken to Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, state police said. The truck lost most of its load, temporarily closing all southbound lanes until crews were able to clear the roadway. But gaping motorists were still making for a slow commute into the city this morning.


No shit this made for a slow commute this morning. If I was on my way into work and came across the Exxon Valdez spewing Miller Lite all over the freeway you better believe I would’ve parked my car sideways across three lanes and filled every nook and cranny of that fucker with brews. But don’t think I’m just some drunk creep, I totally would’ve stayed around to lick clean all the beer covered wildlife as well.

I Might As Well Start Smoking Dollar Bills

NYdailynews – The Legislature on Monday night narrowly approved boosting the state’s tax on cigarettes by an additional $1.60 – to a national-high $4.35 a pack. Factoring in city and federal levies, a single pack is taxed to the tune of $6.85, which translates to a counter price of $12 – $13 for New York City smokers. The tax hike came as part of an emergency spending plan to keep New York government running for another week. The new tobacco levy will also drive up the tax charged on cigars and chewing tobacco to 75% of its wholesale price – a 29% jump.

It would be great if the government would just let me get cancer in peace. I’m fuckin tired of walking all the way down to the bodega only to find out that they jacked the price of my grits up another buck. I’m already paying 10.25 a pack now and they’re about to drop another 1.60 on me. That’s gonna be the death blow. I’m serious, I’ve held on for as long as I could, I fought the good fight, but this is just too much. It’s now time to will my body off this addiction to nicotine cause this extra 1.60 is really gonna cut into my Sparks budget. Totallyfuckinbelievable.
PS – I’m seriously considering running some type of cigarette smuggling operation over the summer. I’m heading back to Michigan for the entire month anyway, I might as well stuff the Suburban full over cartons and start selling them on the street corner. Could make 200% profit on every pack. Shit’s a goldmine.

Does This Look Like The Detroit Public Schools President Who Can’t Keep His Dick In His Pants At Board Meetings?

Detroit News – One day after facing accusations of fondling himself, Detroit Public Schools President Otis Mathis wrote a letter to colleagues today blaming “ongoing health problems” for his “poor judgment.” The letter, which attempted to rescind his resignation he submitted, doesn’t explicitly address accusations from Superintendent Teresa Gueyser that he touched himself during a private meeting. But Mathis acknowledged that he “made inappropriate actions toward a professional employee of the board” and promises to remove himself from personnel decisions involving her. “I am following up with my doctors because I need to pursue treatment, and because I want to make sure that what happened doesn’t ever happen again,” Mathis said. “However, I do not need to resign in order to take care of my health.” The letter to colleagues came the same day board Vice President Anthony Adams today released a two-page letter from Gueyser accusing Mathis of fondling himself during a meeting this week. She called it his “usual habit” during one-on-one meetings. She said she tries to ignore it. “On many occasions, I have asked him not to touch himself.”
Board member Reverend David Murray called the allegations “a terrible thing” but said he doesn’t believe the 55-year-old Mathis should quit. “It happens to a lot of young men. They engage in behavior they feel is harmless and it’s offensive to certain people,” Murray said. “… It could be deemed offensive, but some women are more sensitive to those types of things than others.” “I feel bad for him because he probably felt that it was something she would probably like or she got humor out of it.”
Gueyser’s letter describes in detail an incident during a meeting about her employment agreement. President Mathis continued to fondle his genital area for approximately 20 minutes, or the entire time I was talking,” Gueyser wrote. “At one point, I lifted some papers from my binder above my eyes to separate my peripheral view in order to avoid watching his activity.” “He then re-zipped and unzipped his pants again; again placing the hand with the handkerchief inside the zipper area; this time moving his hand as if to be masturbating in front of me,” Gueyser wrote.


I think everyone needs to just relax for a second about old Otis beating his meat here, because he among us who hasn’t jacked off in a board meeting may cast the first stone. I’m with Reverend David Murray who’s just chalking this one up to being a dude. ”He probably thought she liked it or thought it was funny”, damn right Otis thought she’d like it. Who wouldn’t be down with an old man circle jerk while you’re delivering your speech about declining test scores in inner city Detroit? And it’s not like Otis had anything better to be doing with his time. Last I heard the schools are fuckin great. Pretty sure we are up to a whopping 24% graduation rate. If Adam Everett was putting up those numers he’d still be rocking the old English D. No, this incident is simply a casualty of having women in the workplace. Should’ve just kept them chained to the washing machine like in the olden days. Cause now we have the impossible task of watching them slut it up all over the office and we’re expected not to rub one out under the table? That’s preposterous. This is America and you can’t tell me that McCain isn’t charming the one eyed snake every time Palin gets up there and starts talkin her shit.


But I’m a solutions oriented guy so lets look ahead to the future. I think the key to turning around the schools in Detroit is putting Otis on some handjob insentive plan. The more kids that get diplomas, the more we turn a blind eye to his antics. Just look out cause if he gets anywhere above 50% we’re looking at a spread eagle, feet up on the table show.

PS – I don’t get how this chick went from ignoring his “usual habit” to being so disgusted by it. You can’t let me jerk off in front of you one day and then blow the whistle on my ass the next. Pretty sure that’s entrapment.

Ty Lawson Just Became My Favorite Nugget Besides Chauncey

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is Ty Lawson implying that he could last 17 minutes with Kim Kardasian? Cause if he is I’m calling bullshit. I’d be lucky to hang on for 17 seconds.

Construction In Progress

We're doing some major renovations at JBS.com and I'm taking the rest of this week to get accustomed to our future home. I know it's impossible to live without me entertaining your asses constantly but get over it for the next few days.

Looking to launch in a week or so and it's gonna change the face of Detroit sports as we know it. Stay tuned.

A.O.L. - Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Pussy

Welcome to my life bro. Next time get a camera in your hands and don't just stand there like a house by the side of the road and watch it go by.

Another Casualty Of Lamborghini Living

Huffpost - Depending who you believe, either two car thieves torched somebody's Lamborghini Murcielago in Brooklyn Saturday afternoon or the car's owner watched it burn after it caught fire while driving on the BQE.

Either Charles Rogers was chilling in Brooklyn this weekend or it looks like some douche I-banker doesn't know how to handle a life of lamborghini living. This verdict totally hinges on whether or not the investigators conclude a giant blunt started the fire.

They're Gonna Need A Huge Ass Casket

Alright, the title was my only joke. Lets be serious for a moment. It's sad to see Manute go because he fought so hard to help those less fortunate than him. Although he went about it in some pretty strange ways.



Good Night Sweet Prince

PS - Dude had more career blocks than he did points

PSS - You think they'll have to saw him in half to get him in the casket? I guess I had one more joke in me.

JBS + JP Forever, Eat Your Hearts Out

From: JP
Date: June 20, 2010 9:51:53 PM EDT
To: lamborghiniliving@gmail.com
Subject: Follett

Hey this is Zack's girlfriend, Julie. Zack's mom said this blog entry about me was the funniest thing she had ever read, so I had to check it out.

"PSS - JP, if you want more face time on JBS.com let me know. I'm 100% prepared to say screw Detroit sports and make this a blog dedicated to you full time." .....You should get on that, just saying. ;)

And someone needs to make Zack aware of this ASAP... "Like this girl is right up there with that hit on Danny Amendola as the best thing you've done since birth." hahaha LOVE it! Except did you really need to include a picture of me passed out on the couch? C'mon man! lol

Seriously though, thanks for all the support you give Zack! Keep it up!

Love & God Bless,
JP

In case anyone was wondering just how much hand I have over the sports stars in Detroit, let me assure you. This email is exactly how much hand I have. Not only do I have Detroit's finest athletes banging down my door to have a Steveweiser with me, but now I'm carving up their ladies with my rapier wit. Won't be long before I'm attending Lions games in Z's box and spitting my game on Momma Follett. And as much as I love you Zack, you better be careful too. Don't think for a second that I won't be putting the moves all over JP while you're down on the field bustin skulls. Everyone knows the one thing that trumps athleticism is humor and although I peaked physically in Pop Warner, I've had my sense of humor running wind sprints at 6 am since junior high.

In all seriousness though, I said I'd quit the Detroit sports game and dedicate my blog to Julie and I'm a man of my word. So starting this week be on the lookout for Follet Fridays, where we honor god's greatest gift to football, Julie. Oh and I've also decided that JP is in charge of organizing some type of Detroit Lions wives/girlfriends booster club for JBS.com, maybe kick it off with a carwash or something. The Lady Friend will make lemonade and we can do it in my driveway. Just don't invite any lineman wives.

PS - Does Stafford read JBS.com? He has to right? This is right up his alley. Zack I need you to get Stafford to shoot me and email cause I can make him more money than the Lions are paying him.

PSS - Julie, I'm sorry I used the picture of you passed out on the couch but we needed to show people the real you. And you're what we in the business call a potato sack girl. Basically a girl that you just want to throw a bag over and marry the shit out of.





"Potato Sack Girl" courtesy of Barstoolsports.com

Homeless Dude Starts A Brawl After Stealing Some Pringles & Sour Patch Kids

ORLANDO, Fla. (WOFL FOX 35) - Orlando Police say Friday morning, homeless man Cordell Spruill tried to steal a load of snacks and other food from the Citgo Gas Station at Colonial and Primrose Drives in Orlando, when the store manager caught him in the act. Clerk Sean O describes what was probably the most bizarre scene regulars at the gas station have ever seen. O says, "They were fighting all over the street here basically." O says the store manager caught Spruill stuffing chips, candy, and all sorts of snacks into his jacket and pants pockets, but when the manager asked him to pay up, Spruill refused... eventually socking him right in the eye! Spruill then took off, and the manager chased after him. A couple other people joined the chase, and the brawl began.

Sorry to waste your time with this cause it's a complete non story. It's just your everyday, "homeless dude jacks the Citgo manager in the face and takes off running cause he got caught stuffing his cargo shorts full of beef jerky" puff piece. Seen it a million times.

No there are two real reasons why I wrote this post. One, who the hell does this "Sean O" think he is with this one letter last name bullshit? Give me a break. Unless you're Zack Follett you better cool it with all that initial stuff. Right Z?

And 2, I'm pretty sure this dude is Bob Marley. Turns out Bob faked his death years ago and has been living the good life in the back alley of the Citgo parking lot under the alias Cordell Spruill. It's the perfect crime.



M

Update - The Boy just let me know that I misdiagnosed this one and it's actually just Bubbles from The Wire