Kid Got Played

(Herald) – As if we didn’t know, even with all the festivities, this is a business. And we just got another reminder. A mere 24 hours before the Super Bowl, the Patriots made their final transaction in a year full of them. In one of the coldest moves ever, the Patriots released WR Tiquan Underwood and promoted DE Alex Silvestro. This all but guarantees that WR Chad Ochocinco will be active. And while you have to feel for Underwood, who must be devastated, he will almost certainly get a ring if they win the Super Bowl. I am told there were not disciplinary reasons for the move. Underwood did not do anything wrong, and I expect him to be back next year. But perhaps they wanted another defensive linemen on the field.

I bet when Belichick delivered the news to Tiquan he busted out the "I don't give a damn if Marvin Gaye 'gonna be there, you wont!" line from House Party.

Brooks Orpik Freight Trains Daniel Paille

Man, I had this golden line all loaded in the chamber about how I didn't think Penguins could fly but just as I'm about to post I fuckin realize that Daniel Paille is on the Bruins. Fuckin amateur hour. Sometimes it's such a fine line between stupid and clever.

PS - Is there a bigger bunch of lame duck douchebags in the NHL than the Pittsburgh Penguins? Take a look at their bench after the biggest hit they'll see all year. Fuckin statues.

Pistons Hit A New Low With That Vanilla Ice Halftime Show Tonight

Despite a win tonight over the Bogutless Bucks it's still glaringly obvious that the Pistons organization is slamming off rock bottom harder than a crawler harness in the Detroit River. Quite the turn of events for a once proud franchise that had made 6 straight Eastern Conference finals as recently as '08 and packed The Palace every time they took the floor. Now Joe D and company are so desperate to put asses in the seats that they're rolling out the red carpet for Rob Van Winkle whose only major accomplishment in the past 20 years was making a Trishelle sandwich with Ron Jeremy on the Surreal Life.


What a total gong show. The NBA could seriously fall off the face of the Earth tomorrow and I wouldn't even notice.

Adios Carlos

Bleacherreport.com - Former Detroit Tiger Carlos Guillen is returning to Seattle after agreeing to a minor league contract with the Mariners. The 36-year-old spent the past eight seasons in Detroit, where he was a three-time All-Star and hit .308 with the Tigers, playing five positions: leftfield, third base, shortstop, second base and first base. Guillen started his career with the Mariners in 1998-03, playing in 488 games in Seattle. Guillen is likely to compete for a reserve utility role with the Mariners. Seattle announced the deal on February 2nd 2012.

Yesterday brought the inevitable news that long time Tiger and fan favorite Carlos Guillen will no longer be with the squad next year. With his aging legs and constant injuries it was a necessary evil but it still hurts to see Carlos go. The guy has done nothing but deliver for the Tigers over the past 8 years and has done so in grand fashion. Most notably when he fist fucked Jered Weaver into losing his god damn mind.

Flat out stone cold pimpin.

Jimmy Howard Breaks Finger in 3rd Period of 4-3 Win Over Vancouver

Freep - Howard is out at least the next two games -- Saturday at Edmonton and Monday at Phoenix -- after getting hurt during Thursday's 4-3 shoot-out victory at the Vancouver Canucks. "I happened about four minutes into the third last night," Howard said today. "Went blocker down, took everything away down low, and when (Maxim) Lapierre spun and shot it, it missed my blocker and caught me right on the finger." Howard is to be re-evaluated Tuesday, after the Wings return to Detroit. The Wings recalled Joey MacDonald from the minors to serve as Ty Conklin's backup for the rest of the trip. Howard has been a rock for the Wings all season, going 32-11-1 with a .924 save percentage and 2.03 goals-against average.

Well, it appears that after a bit of a scare late last night Jimmy Howard and his uncircumcised penis of a finger will be just fine. You kinda knew this was the type of injury, that although painful, is something you just play through. But it's really great to actually hear from his mouth that he'll only be out a week or so.

Still, this injury brings to light major concern about the backup tender situation in general. Ty Conklin and his 3.20 GAA offer about as much protection to the Wings' back end as a consistent policy of pulling out and with the trade deadline looming in late February a much more serious injury to Jimmy has to be on Ken Holland's mind. The question becomes does he use a chunk of the bountiful salary cap space the Wings possess to acquire an upgrade at the backup spot or does he focuses all his resources on getting a top notch defenseman or a skilled, physical forward? Either way, I think a move is imminent and I ain't worried cause there isn't a guy in sports I trust more than Ken Holland. The Wings are rolling and Kenny knows how to keep it that way.

Where the hell are my white gloves?

Chick Blames Gigantic Rack for DUI

Huffingtonpost.com - A Florida woman arrested Sunday for driving under the influence told police that she would have passed a sobriety test -- if not for her "big boobies," according to a Martin County Sheriff's Office report. Marueen Raymond, 49, allegedly drove her grey Toyota Camry over 50 mph through a 35 mph zone near Jenson Beach, swerving over a double yellow line twice before parking her car across two spaces in a nearby Walgreen's lot. Cops responded to the reckless vehicle notice and found Raymond in the driver's seat, reeking of alcohol and slurring her speech, the report explains.

"When I told her we were going to do some roadside tasks she told me that I needed to understand that she is big chested and if I asked her to close her eyes and balance she is not going to balance well," the officer wrote. "She told me 'Big breast you don't balance well.'" Asked if she had any injuries, Raymond told the officer that she had "big breasts" and whiplash, according to the report.

Asked to walk a straight line, Raymond began to dance. "When I told her she had to keep her hands at her side she stated 'hell no, not with these.' Telling me again she can't do it, not with her big boobies," the officer added. The report also explains that Raymond "began to take her clothes off to show me her breast and I stopped her."

How the hell is Huffington Post gonna run this story and not even give us one shot of her tits? It's straight up journalistically irresponsible. You can't come out and tell me she's got melons the size of bowling balls and is dancing all over the street offering to whip them out and then just give me a fricken mug shot.

Now I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs trying to picture how big this ugly ass old broad's jugs are. Waste of a fucking day. But seriously, how big we talking you think?

PS - Next time I'm too drunk to stand I'm 100% using the "my balls are too huge" excuse.

How Did I Not Notice Barry in the DIRECTV Celebrity Beach Bowl Last Year?

This has gotta be some sick, twisted joke right? We go 31-81 over a 7 year span, the worst run in NFL history mind you, and you can't even find the fricken guy. Face of the franchise just up and vanishes like a fart in the wind with nothing more than a fax to the Wichita Eagle saying, "peace bitches, I'm out". And through it all, all the losing, all the unqualified head coaches, all the quarterbacks, all the wideouts, oh fuckin hell the wideouts, not even a whiff of Barry. I kinda just figured he was off on some desert island sipping mai tais with Bobby Fischer, Tupac, and the Easter Bunny.

But oh no. Turns out the son of a bitch has been living in West Bloomfield the entire time. Just sitting back waiting for us to get good again so he can reemerge and lather himself up in all the butter The Schwartz has been baking our cornbread in. Well guess what buddy? Seats fuckin takin'. If anyone's getting back in the door it's gonna be Herman Moore. Dude could probably still play opposite Calvin today. Can't teach 6'4"

PS - I love how he decided to pick the DIRECTV Celebrity Beach Bowl as the vessel for his glorious return. Christ, Eli Manning was his coach and had him playing fucking defense. Greatest running back to ever walk the planet and I honestly don't think he touched the ball one time the entire game. Just sat back and got picked apart by Turtle from Entourage like he was Wes Welker or something.

PSS - Just spent about an hour of my snow day watching the replay of this game so I could get a decent picture of Barry. Probably took a dozen shots and there's not one where he's not creepin on some hottie. Look at him straight spanking that bitch with his eyes.